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Jaja veel tekst ik weet het...
als je niet zo veel wil scrollen kan je alles verbergen door HIER te klikken!
Mijn profiel V3.0
Filmpjes:
http://www.albinobla...om/flash/posting.php
http://video.google....=9089663213272456467
BROMMERPROFIEL
In bezit van rijbewijs: ja
Aantal keer over rbw gedaan: 2 keer -_-
Verzekerd: Ja, ziektekosten enzo
Aantal brommers:1
Aantal auto's:2
Merken + types brommer(s):Honda nsr
Merken + types auto('s):Porshe 928 S4, Nissan 200sx s13
Aantal boetes en waarvoor: door rood licht rijden, nu met auto komen er ws nog een lading bij 
De mooiste brommer vind ik: nsr ns1 en dat soort meuk
De mooiste auto vind ik: 1st gen Fairlady, Porshe 928, Honda s2000, Nissan 200sx
Honda's vind ik: betrouwbaar
Suzuki's vind ik: leuk als crosser
Derbi's vind ik: een wonder van slijtende techniek(meuk dus)
Yamaha's vind ik: zie derbi
Rieju's vind ik: zie yamaha
Minarelli blokjes vind ik: zie yamaha
Scooters vind ik: tupaware pleepotten met afgevoerde stofzuigermotor bestuurd door scootersjonies die varionicht zijn
Crossen vind ik: onnodig gebruik van benzine, maar wel vet :P
Ik wil echt niet gezien worden op een: wouten pleepot
Rijden of sleutelen: sleutelen tussen het rijden door
Crossen, racen of toeren: racen
De juten vind ik: bermsmurfen
Meetings vind ik: gevaarlijk(denk aan mensen die in een aanhanger worden gebonden enzo @bm'05)
Helmen vind ik: nodig en heb er toch geen problemen mee
Tunen vind ik: vet
Ik zou iemand wel/niet op mijn brommer laten rijden: sommige mensen wel, meesten niet.
Meiden en schakels zijn: top combo maar ik kom ze nooit tegen
Brommerforum vind ik: ownen
De gangsterplaatjes:
http://www.gfoto.com...d=3144108&size=3
http://i20.photobuck...gj/cr4bwildthing.jpg
http://img479.images...6886/kerstpet6zi.jpg
http://www.geocities...errens82/politie.gif
http://groups.msn.co...=4675548304063773953
http://img206.images...9113/gangster9xe.jpg
http://img176.images.../3747/brommer0di.jpg
http://members.lycos...n/forum/antipijs.png
http://pic2.picturet...786572/120254693.jpg
Andere plaatjes:
[url]http://www.lvdlinden.nl/zooi/kkfriesland.gif[/img][/url]
Klik voor Four More Years
[url]http://www.mijnalbum.nl/Foto=LPZN4HSE[/img][/url]
Anime, en dat is gvd iets anders dan hentai!!
AMV
>>>Gaara<<<
Mijn favo char uit naruto
Gaara
Gaara vs Kimimaru
Gaara tribute, MOET JE ZIEN!!
>>>Elfenlied<<<
1 van de beste series die er zijn
Let de bodies hit the floor
Lucy will never die
Nana tribute
>>>Kiddy Grade<<<
Mijn amv
>>>Ghibli<<<
On Your Mark(door studio ghibli
ALL HAIL [gm]Dave!
voor wie niet weet wie dat is:
[gm]Dave is een gm van FFXI, dit is zijn baan!
hij haat domme mensen, als hij er 1 tegen komt dan haald hij graag grappen uit of hij stuurd zijn draak genaamd Jormungand op ze af.
Daarna worden ze gebanned
Zijn beste verhalen staan hier
Quote:
It's about damned time.
All my hard work has finally paid off.
My supervisor walked up to my desk this morning with a funny look on his face.
I instantly got ready to erase all of my files and format my harddrive.
Force of habit.
But he wasn't there to bother me. Oh no. He was there to give me some glorious, beautiful news.
They gave me a trainee to supervise.
MUWAHAHAHAHA!!!
There's no feeling like having a young impressionable mind that you can warp and bend to your will, a blank canvas on which you can paint your own twisted vision.
This must be what it feels like to be a parent.
They brought the young man to my desk.
Perhaps "young" is not a strong enough word. This boy was practically a fetus.
I actually had to check and see if he had an umbilical cord.
Still, he had potential. I could see a faint ember of cruelty in his eye.
The force is strong in this one.
I just needed to fan that flame.
Or throw gasoline on it.
I walked him to his desk, showed him how to log in, and then we answered our first GM call.
GM Call Description: Player monopolizing NM
Perfect. Just the right amount of stupid for this boy to cut his teeth on.
[GM]Dave>> Okay. How do you want to handle this?
[GM]Fetus>> Well... the manual says...
[GM]Dave>> HAHAHAHA!!!
[GM]Dave>> That's pretty funny.
[GM]Fetus>> ... What?
[GM]Dave>> The GM Manual.
[GM]Dave>> That's priceless.
[GM]Fetus>> I'm serious.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> We have a lot of work to do.
[GM]Dave>> Fine. Tell me how you'd handle it.
[GM]Fetus>> We have to log in and speak with the player.
[GM]Fetus>> And then we have to review the logs.
[GM]Dave>> No, no, no.
[GM]Dave>> Christ, what are they teaching you people?
[GM]Fetus>> That's what the manual says to do.
[GM]Dave>> Know what else the manual says?
[GM]Fetus>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Shut the hell up!
[GM]Dave>> Now, log in and follow my instructions.
So we both log into the server and warp over to the player's location.
[GM]Fetus>> Good day, Adventurer.
[GM]Fetus>> I hope this Firesday meets you well.
Player>> ...
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Don't mind him.
[GM]Dave>> He's new.
Player>> Oh.
Player>> Cool.
[GM]Dave>> So what's up?
[GM]Fetus>> You're not roleplaying.
[GM]Dave>> Don't make me slap you.
Player>> ... Yeah.
Player>> That guy has been monopolizing this NM for days.
Player>> He's here 24 hours a day.
[GM]Fetus>> We'd better check the logs for this player.
[GM]Dave>> And why would we do that?
[GM]Fetus>> This player says...
[GM]Dave>> Sweet lord.
[GM]Dave>> You're not actually listening to a player, are you?
[GM]Fetus>> Of course I am.
[GM]Fetus>> We're here to serve the players.
I literally fell off my chair at this point, I was laughing so hard.
[GM]Dave>> We don't actually listen to the players.
[GM]Dave>> They're more like pets.
Player>> HEY!
[GM]Dave>> Down, boy.
[GM]Fetus>> I thought we were supposed to...
[GM]Dave>> We're only supposed to do one thing.
[GM]Dave>> And that's ban people.
[GM]Fetus>> But what about the person being reported?
[GM]Dave>> We don't have any actual proof.
[GM]Dave>> Even the logs won't do anything.
[GM]Fetus>> So we let him go?
[GM]Dave>> No. We ban him anyway.
[GM]Dave>> Are you not paying attention?
[GM]Fetus>> But you said we don't have any proof.
[GM]Dave>> I don't get your point.
[GM]Fetus>> I'm confused.
[GM]Dave>> Let's take it one step at a time.
[GM]Dave>> This player right here... Say hi, Player.
Player>> ... Uhh... Hi?
[GM]Dave>> This guy sent an unnecessary GM call.
[GM]Dave>> And that is bad.
[GM]Dave>> And when a player does bad things, we...
[GM]Fetus>> Ban them?
[GM]Dave>> I like the way you think.
[GM]Dave>> I'd have gone with torture and humiliation.
[GM]Dave>> But I do respect efficiency.
Player>> Wait...
Player>> You're banning ME?!
[GM]Dave>> Sigh.
[GM]Dave>> Get used to that.
[GM]Dave>> They're kind of slow.
Player>> Are you talking about me?
[GM]Dave>> See?
[GM]Dave>> It's like taking care of a grade 3 class.
Player>> You can't say that.
[GM]Dave>> A grade 3 special ed class.
Player>> I am soo getting you fired.
[GM]Dave>> Excuse me, Fetus...
[GM]Dave>> Could you go get me a coffee?
[GM]Fetus>> Now?
[GM]Dave>> Yes, please.
[GM]Dave>> I'll just start the paperwork on this guy.
[GM]Fetus>> Oh.
[GM]Fetus>> Okay.
I smile nicely and let Fetus get out of sight.
[GM]Dave>> So...
[GM]Dave>> Do you like dragons?
I think Fetus is going to make a good GM.
I just have to break him of this whole "we help people" thing.
We're here to serve the players...
That shit is hilarious.
Quote:
Well... the Mentor thing really didn't work out. [GM]Fetus isn't going to make it here.
Probably for the best. I'm sure he would have started to get cranky around naptime, anyway.
Plus, I had to watch over that boy for entire shifts. This was seriously cutting into my crafting/drinking time.
Damn, though. I really thought I could mold that boy into something great, something fantastic.
Another me.
But that dream went down the tubes awfully damned fast yesterday.
I caught him... oh God, it's almost too horrible to say...
I caught him actually resolving a problem for a customer.
He didn't even use sarcasm or anything.
Great. Just great.
If word of this gets out, I'm going to have thousands of morons who'll expect me to solve their problems, too.
Monosyllabic GM calls will flood in.
Punctuation will be beaten mercilessly.
Oh, the humanity.
Then came the last straw.
[GM]Dave>> Is this my coffee?
[GM]Fetus>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> And the cream is where exactly?
[GM]Fetus>> Oh...
[GM]Fetus>> I forgot.
I mean, how freaking retarded is that?
Obviously, I would have to destroy him.
[GM]Dave>> Fetus, we need to talk.
[GM]Fetus>> Why do you keep calling me that?
[GM]Fetus>> My name is [GM]Darkwingslayer.
[GM]Dave>> We're not having that conversation again.
[GM]Dave>> I refuse to call you Darkwingduck or whatever.
[GM]Dave>> You sound like a retarded Anne Rice character.
[GM]Fetus>> What about [GM]Sephiroth?
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.
[GM]Fetus>> Fine. Whatever.
[GM]Fetus>> I'll have to figure out a name tomorrow.
[GM]Dave>> Well...
[GM]Dave>> I've got good news and bad news on that.
[GM]Fetus>> What's the good news?
[GM]Dave>> You have the day off tomorrow.
[GM]Fetus>> Oh... okay then.
[GM]Fetus>> And the bad news?
[GM]Dave>> Same as the good news.
[GM]Dave>> Only applied to every day thereafter.
[GM]Fetus>> What do you mean?
[GM]Dave>> Sigh.
[GM]Dave>> Are you any good with analogies?
[GM]Fetus>> Sure.
[GM]Dave>> Okay.
[GM]Dave>> Imagine being a GM is like a job.
[GM]Fetus>> But it is a job.
[GM]Dave>> Now, imagine you're being fired from that job.
[GM]Dave>> With me so far?
[GM]Fetus>> I'M FIRED?!
[GM]Dave>> I prefer to call it "involuntary quitting".
[GM]Dave>> It's just like quitting...
[GM]Dave>> Only instead of quitting, you're fired.
[GM]Fetus>> This is ridiculous!
[GM]Fetus>> What am I being fired for?
[GM]Dave>> Inappropriate behavior.
[GM]Fetus>> I didn't do anything inappropriate!
[GM]Dave>> That's not what the logs say.
[GM]Dave>> On an unrelated note, you should change your password.
[GM]Fetus>> You can't fire me.
[GM]Fetus>> You're not my boss.
[GM]Dave>> Damn. You got me there.
[GM]Dave>> Don't I look silly.
[GM]Dave>> If only it was my job to review your performance.
[GM]Dave>> Oh... Wait a second...
[GM]Dave>> That is my job!
[GM]Dave>> Isn't that funny.
[GM]Fetus>> I hate you.
[GM]Dave>> I get that a lot.
Just to be certain he couldn't do any more damage, I filed a serious report with our supervisor detailing several procedural errors he made while working.
I also "borrowed" his keys and filled the back seat of his car with some office supplies.
Like a computer.
Then, an anonymous tip came in and suddenly, [GM]Fetus was no longer employed here.
It's okay, though. He would have made a terrible me.
You know, having human emotions and all that.
Quote:
Today, I was thrust outside into this stupid "real world" I keep hearing people talk about.
Still not impressed, by the way.
Seriously. We invented houses for a goddamned reason.
If outside was so great, then why does everyone want a house?
I did not go outside of my own volition as one might expect, but was instead forced to leave my home by unbearable heat.
Damn this planet and the sun that rotates around it.
I'm not exactly sure why it was so hot inside my place, but at one point I was considering pulling the liquid cooling system from my PC and wrapping it around my brain.
That's hot.
So, since I was outside, I decided to have a barbecue.
If I'm going to be outside, I might as well eat food, right?
I fire up the grill.
Lighter fluid, lighter fluid, lighter fluid.
[GM]Dave>> FIRAGA III!!!
I pretend not to notice Susan shaking her head as I throw the match.
Things are going nicely. I'm grilling some nice Dhalmel steaks or something when one of my neighbors walks up to me.
Before we even start, let me explain how much I dislike this.
I did not ask to speak with this person. I did not in any way signal that I wanted to have a conversation.
I am already annoyed at being outside and now I have to deal with the Morlocks that inhabit this strange realm.
Moving on...
Now, let me set the picture. I'm standing in my yard in front of a blazing grill. I am wearing an apron that says "If you can read this, GO THE HELL AWAY!"
Yeah. I so want to talk to people.
Now, I am struck with two choices here:
a) I can take the metal spatula, hold it against the hot grill, and then slap him in the face with it.
This, of course, would be highly amusing, but since I do not want to be on Season 2 of Prison Break...
b) I can go out of my way to make this person leave.
How hard could that be?
Neighbor>> Hey there.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Susan...
[GM]Dave>> There's a person on me.
Neighbor>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Susan...
Neighbor>> Having a barbecue?
I'm standing in front of a grill upon which meat is being cooked via fire.
It is literally just a foot in front of this person.
Does he think this is just an elaborate ruse we like to perform on hot days?
[GM]Dave>> Who told you?
Neighbor>> Told me what?
[GM]Dave>> Who told you about the barbecue?
[GM]Dave>> This is classified.
Neighbor>> I don't understand...
[GM]Dave>> WHO TOLD YOU?!
Neighbor>> Nobody.
Neighbor>> I saw the grill and figured it out.
[GM]Dave>> DEAR LORD! You're a detective!
[GM]Dave>> Quickly! Other crimes need solving!
Neighbor>> What in the hell are you talking about?
[GM]Dave>> You need a van.
[GM]Dave>> You can't solve mysteries without a van.
Neighbor>> Hey, lady!
Neighbor>> Is this guy crazy or something?
Susan>> Probably.
Susan>> I try not to ask him things.
[GM]Dave>> I don't like things.
Neighbor>> So...
Neighbor>> Hot, isn't it?
[GM]Dave>> What are you doing?
Neighbor>> I'm making small talk.
[GM]Dave>> Why exactly?
Neighbor>> I'm being nice.
Neighbor>> It's what people do.
[GM]Dave>> Huh.
[GM]Dave>> I didn't get that.
[GM]Dave>> Know what else people do?
Neighbor>> What?
[GM]Dave>> They go the hell away.
[GM]Dave>> That's a good plan, too.
[GM]Dave>> Let's try that one.
Neighbor>> Are you trying to get me to leave?
[GM]Dave>> Unsuccessfully, so far.
[GM]Dave>> I am still, however, hopeful.
Neighbor>> Fine.
Neighbor>> I'm leaving.
[GM]Dave>> You probably should.
[GM]Dave>> I'm sure others are not being bothered.
[GM]Dave>> You should get right on that.
Neighbor>> You know something...
Neighbor>> You're a jerk.
Anyone know a good lawyer that specializes in spatula-related assault cases?
Quote:
That's right, folks. This is the 100th post.
Since this is such a big thing for me, I thought long and hard about how to mark the occasion.
Should I kill a hundred gil sellers?
Fun, but damn that would be a lot of work. I don't like work.
Maybe I could take Jormy for a walk through Jeuno.
Nah. Last time we did that things got... messy.
Do you know how hard it is to get squashed Taru off your shoes?
Oh! I could help an LS kill Absolute Virtue.
Wait... that's a bad idea. I'd have to kill the first moron who said Wall of Justice.
I'd have to feed him to the Dragon of ShutTheHellUp.
Maybe I should just go with something simple...
In order to celebrate, I decided to reward a random player with 100,000 gil.
Just imagine how happy some player will be to suddenly receive 100,000 gil out of the blue.
Everyone loves free money.
I'm a saint, really.
So, I spin The Wheel of Servers...
Click clack click clack click clack
I'm kidding.
I've been giving a lot of shit to Lakhshmi lately, so I decided to show my love by picking them.
Plus, it'll be easier to decide who to give the gil to because there are only three guys on the server.
And one of them is a mule.
So, I log into Lakhsmhi and do a quick server check.
Then I /random'ed to figure out which player to choose.
[GM]Dave rolls 139!
And the 139th name on the list is...
[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Apparently, you're having a lucky day.
Player>> What?
Player>> I didn't do anything wrong.
[GM]Dave>> Calm down.
[GM]Dave>> This is good news.
Player>> Why are you talking to me?
Player>> Am I getting banned?
[GM]Dave>> What the hell is wrong with you?
Player>> I read your blog.
Player>> You're going to feed me to a dragon.
Apparently, my reputation precedes me.
[GM]Dave>> No, no. Nothing like that.
[GM]Dave>> You're not in trouble.
Player>> I don't believe you.
Player>> You're going to call me retarded and ban me.
[GM]Dave>> If you don't shut up, I just might.
[GM]Dave>> Listen carefully.
[GM]Dave>> I AM NOT BANNING YOU!
Player>> Really?
[GM]Dave>> Gotcha.
[GM]Dave>> Get him Jormy!
Player>> AAAUUGGHHHHHH!!!
[GM]Dave>> That was a joke.
[GM]Dave>> Damn, you're jumpy.
Player>> So, you're not going to ban me?
Player>> Honestly?
[GM]Dave>> Sigh.
[GM]Dave>> No. I'm here to give you something.
Player>> Give me something?
Player>> Why?
[GM]Dave>> I'm doing something nice for a random player.
Player>> And you picked me?
[GM]Dave>> Wow!
[GM]Dave>> Aren't you sharp?
Player>> That's so cool.
[GM]Dave>> I thought you'd like it.
Player>> So what do I get?
Player>> A Scorpion Harness?
Player>> A Maat's Cap?
[GM]Dave>> You get 100,000 gil!
Player>> ...
Player>> That's it?
[GM]Dave>> Yes, that's it.
[GM]Dave>> It's free money.
Player>> Yeah, but that's not very much.
Player>> I can farm that in an hour or two.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Are you freakin' kidding me?
Player>> No.
Player>> It's nice and all, but...
[GM]Dave>> But?
[GM]Dave>> BUT?!
[GM]Dave>> What the hell is wrong with you?!
Player>> oh damn
[GM]Dave>> I offer you free gil...
[GM]Dave>> And you say "THAT'S IT"?!
Player>> Wait... Hold on...
Player>> I'll take the gil.
[GM]Dave>> Oh thank you, kind sir.
[GM]Dave>> You'll TAKE the free money now.
Player>> Or not.
Player>> Whatever works for you.
Player>> I'll just be going.
*warp*
Player>> Oh... crap.
[GM]Dave>> Congratulations!
[GM]Dave>> You won another contest!
Player>> I'm afraid to ask.
[GM]Dave>> That would be wise.
Player>> Would it help if I said I was sorry?
[GM]Dave>> I don't know.
[GM]Dave>> Maybe.
[GM]Dave>> Let's see.
Player>> ... I'm sorry?
Jormungand hits Player for 20,758 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.
[GM]Dave>> He says you didn't sound sincere.
[GM]Dave>> Let's try again, shall we?
[GM]Dave casts Raise on Player.
[GM]Dave>> Say it.
Player>> Listen, man...
[GM]Dave>> SAY IT!!!
Player>> I'm sorry.
Player>> I really am.
Jormungand hits Player for 18,993 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.
[GM]Dave>> That was just for being an idiot.
[GM]Dave>> Oh shit.
[GM]Dave>> I forgot to call you retarded first.
[GM]Dave>> Let's do that again.
He actually stayed there for five more Raises.
Must be a slow learner.
Finally, he must have gotten sick of trying and yanked the plug.
That's when I gave him the rest of his "prize", a nice, shiny Deluxe Package.
I'm a saint.
Quote:
Oh shut up.
I can celebrate anything I want to.
So I had an early shift yesterday. Very early.
As you may have guessed, I'm not a morning person. If it happens before 11 am, I really don't give a damn.
Since it was still quite a few hours until NA primetime, I had plenty of time to get some paperwork done.
This, of course, meant that I was asleep at my desk.
What?
At 6 am, your problems don't exist to me.
They really don't.
I don't care if someone is selling gil on top of your MPKed corpse while someone else is stealing your King Behemoth.
If it's 6 am in the morning, you can kiss my ass.
Unfortunately, I had forgotten to turn off my speakers earlier.
*DING*
Hey! A GM call! At 6am!
I apparently haven't fed enough people to dragons if someone feels the need to bother me this early.
What the hell could anyone want this early?
GM Call Description: JP player warp 2'ed me.
HOLY SHIT! An NA player is having a problem with a JP player!
OH CHRIST!!! Water is wet!!!
Listen. No one hates you because you're from North America.
They hate you because you're an idiot.
I don't think I'd call that a cultural difference.
But someone has made the mistake of bothering me at 6 am.
This cannot be tolerated.
[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Apparently, you do not understand time.
Player>> I think you have the wrong guy.
[GM]Dave>> You'd better hope so.
[GM]Dave>> Let's play a game shall we?
Player>> Sure.
[GM]Dave>> What time is it?
Player>> You mean here?
[GM]Dave>> No. What's the time in Sweden?
[GM]Dave>> Of course I mean there, you retard.
Player>> ... uhh...
Player>> It's 6 am.
[GM]Dave>> Wow. Same here.
[GM]Dave>> And 6 am is in the...
Player>> Morning?
[GM]Dave>> Correct. Good job.
[GM]Dave>> Last question.
Player>> Shoot.
[GM]Dave>> Don't tempt me.
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Nevermind.
[GM]Dave>> And at 6 am, you should be...
Player>> Sleeping?
[GM]Dave>> Oh, I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave>> That's incorrect.
Player>> Really?
[GM]Dave>> Yeah. The correct answer was...
[GM]Dave>> NOT FREAKING CALLING ME!!!
[GM]Dave>> What the hell do you want?
Player>> ... Uhh... This JP player...
Player>> ... He warp 2'ed me and...
[GM]Dave>> Hey! Great story!
[GM]Dave>> I wonder who'll play you in the movie.
Player>> This is serious.
[GM]Dave>> Nothing is serious at 6 am.
Player>> They kicked me out of a party without telling me.
Player>> And then the Black Mage warp 2'ed me.
[GM]Dave>> Sucks to be you.
[GM]Dave>> Can I help you with anything else today?
Player>> It's not fair.
[GM]Dave>> Sigh.
[GM]Dave>> I'm going to regret asking this.
[GM]Dave>> Why'd they boot you?
Player>> I don't know.
Player>> I was just doing my job and meleeing the mob.
[GM]Dave>> That's it?
Player>> Well... I was back-up healing, too.
[GM]Dave>> ... Back-up healing?
Player>> Yeah. I'm a Red Mage.
[GM]Dave>> You're a Red Mage...
[GM]Dave>> And you were meleeing.
Player>> Yeah.
Player>> Now, isn't it wrong that they booted me?
[GM]Dave>> Hell yeah it is.
Player>> Damn right.
[GM]Dave>> I'd have killed you, personally.
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> I guess they couldn't be bothered to kill you.
[GM]Dave>> That's the problem with today's youth.
[GM]Dave>> No work ethic.
Player>> Are you kidding?!
[GM]Dave>> Do I sound like I'm kidding?
Player>> This is ridiculous.
Player>> They should be suspended.
[GM]Dave>> Let me get right on that.
[GM]Dave>> Right after I cure cancer.
Player>> You've got to do something.
[GM]Dave>> I am doing something.
[GM]Dave>> I'm deleting your content IDs.
Player>> WHAT?!
Player>> WHY?!
[GM]Dave>> You woke me up.
[GM]Dave>> Also, I'm bored.
Player>> You can't do that!!!
Player>> I'm a customer!
[GM]Dave>> You're a meleeing Red Mage.
[GM]Dave>> You no longer have any rights.
Player>> You can't just delete my character!
Player>> YOU CAN'T!!!
[GM]Dave>> Are you sure?
[GM]Dave>> Cause this Delete button disagrees.
[GM]Dave>> Let's see who's right, shall we?
*click*
[GM]Dave>> Still there?
Your tell could not be received. The player may have changed areas or may have been banned from the game and is now re-evaluating their life while crying like a little girl with a scraped knee.
[GM]Dave>> Looks like the Delete button was right.
[GM]Dave>> I love that button.
Everyone do me a favor, okay?
If it's earlier than 11 am, we're going to pretend that the GM call menu doesn't exist.
It'll be fun.
Also, I won't be forced to destroy you.
Quote:
This is a public service announcement.
There seems to be this huge misunderstanding among players that we GMs play favorites.
No, no, no. I don't just mean JP players.
I can't go a single damned day without seeing some crap about how we play favorites and treat certain groups better.
Personally, I am very insulted by that.
I treat everyone equally.
Equally poorly, but equally nonetheless.
I'm an equal opportunity sadist.
Why would I treat anyone better than anyone else?
There's no money in it.
My favorite, my absolute favorite, of these kind of people is the people who decide to start a movement.
No one cares if you had a bad experience with a GM.
No.
One.
No one.
But every day or so, I get another GM call from someone trying to end the scourge of unfair treatment.
Today's was just horribly ironic.
GM Call Description: GMs are mistreating NA players.
I want you to really think about that for a second.
Someone from North America sent a GM call to complain that GMs abuse North American players.
My days are surreal.
I suppose painting a target on his chest would have been too difficult.
Since he went to all of the trouble of actually requesting a beating, it would be rude of me not to oblige.
Don't want to mistreat an NA player, you know.
[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you're a fan of irony.
Player>> We're sick of this crap.
[GM]Dave>> What crap are we sick of?
Player>> Not you.
[GM]Dave>> We're not sick of me?
[GM]Dave>> That's good to know.
Player>> No, no.
Player>> I meant "we" doesn't include you.
[GM]Dave>> You lost me.
[GM]Dave>> Who does "we" include?
Player>> The players.
[GM]Dave>> And you are their official representative?
Player>> ...
Player>> No.
Player>> I'm trying to make a point.
[GM]Dave>> "Trying" may be a strong word.
[GM]Dave>> I think "failing" would be more apt.
Player>> We, the players, are sick of this crap.
[GM]Dave>> What crap are you sick of?
Player>> Unfair treatment by GMs.
Player>> It has to stop.
[GM]Dave>> Wait...
[GM]Dave>> I'm lost again.
[GM]Dave>> How specifically were you mistreated?
Player>> Oh, I haven't been.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> I think I'm having a stroke.
Player>> I'm just sick of how we're being treated.
Player>> GMs don't care about players.
[GM]Dave>> And?
Player>> That's wrong.
[GM]Dave>> Why?
[GM]Dave>> If I worked at Old Navy...
[GM]Dave>> Would I give a shit what your jeans looked like?
Player>> You're supposed to treat people fairly.
[GM]Dave>> We do.
[GM]Dave>> I don't care about Japanese players either.
Player>> We're going to do something, you know.
Player>> We'll all stop playing.
[GM]Dave>> Apparently, you are a fan of irony.
[GM]Dave>> Something must be done.
[GM]Dave>> Let me help you out with that threat.
Player>> What do you mean?
[GM]Dave>> Well, I've banned people for being stupid before.
[GM]Dave>> If I didn't ban you, it might seem unfair.
Player>> Wait...
Player>> I was just trying to make a point.
[GM]Dave>> You don't feel like playing anymore.
[GM]Dave>> Point taken.
Player>> You can't do this.
[GM]Dave>> Hey, this was your idea.
[GM]Dave>> It's out of my hands.
Player>> No, it's not.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah...
[GM]Dave>> Kind of a gray area, really.
Player>> I just wanted the mistreatment to end.
[GM]Dave>> Well, then this is a good news bad news situation...
The good news was that he never again had to fear unfair treatment at the hands of us heartless GMs.
Bad news = Deluxe package.
Remember, people: fair isn't everyone getting treated the same.
Fair is everyone shutting the hell up and stopping bothering me before I have to feed you to a dragon.
Quote:
We got some kind of bad news a couple of days ago.
It seems Susan's grandmother passed away.
I say kind of bad because no one really liked her.
Still, Susan was a little broken up by the news, so we got our things together and went out to her parents house for the funeral.
I was going to stay home, but I could tell that she would really need me to comfort her.
Also, I found out the wake was going to be open bar.
So, we were at the wake talking to Susan's family when she noticed that her little cousin Billy was standing in the corner looking sad.
Susan>> Dave, why don't you go talk to him?
[GM]Dave>> Well... I don't like people.
[GM]Dave>> And I'm no science teacher...
[GM]Dave>> But he seems like a people.
Susan>> Honey...
Susan>> Don't make me hurt you.
[GM]Dave>> You don't scare me.
Susan>> Two words: Lorena Bobbitt.
[GM]Dave>> So, I'll just go talk to the kid.
Susan>> Thank you, dear.
I walk over to the kid and right away I can tell he doesn't want to talk to me.
Honestly, I can't blame him. I was up until 2 am on a Dynamis run and I've been drinking heavily.
Mr. Rogers I'm not.
Still, since I enjoy having my genitals still attached to my body, I soldier on and start a conversation.
[GM]Dave>> Why are you so sad?
[GM]Dave>> Who died?
Yeah.
Apparently, he wasn't in the laughing mood.
[GM]Dave>> What's the difference between your grandmother and a seed?
He looked at me for a second, a little glimmer of hope in his eyes.
Perhaps I knew something that would put this all in perspective.
Billy>> I don't know. What?
[GM]Dave>> About 12 hours.
Billy burst into tears and took off running.
Damned emotional eight year olds.
On the positive side, I got him out of the corner.
Susan>> What happened?
[GM]Dave>> I'm not sure.
Susan>> What did you say?
[GM]Dave>> Nothing.
[GM]Dave>> I asked if he liked gardening.
Susan>> That's it?
[GM]Dave>> That may not have been my exact words.
Susan>> Huh...
Susan>> That's weird.
[GM]Dave>> You know kids.
Fast forward to the funeral.
We're standing around after they just put her Grandmother in the ground and I notice Billy off by himself again.
Should I leave him alone in his grief or go talk to him again?
I'm starting to think I may be pure evil.
[GM]Dave>> What's the difference between your grandmother and a seed?
He wasn't quite sure what to say.
Billy>> ...
Billy>> I don't know. What?
[GM]Dave>> About five and a half feet.
So, he runs off again.
And Susan comes up to me again.
And she thinks it's my fault AGAIN.
Susan>> What did you do?
[GM]Dave>> I have no idea.
[GM]Dave>> Damn, that kid hates gardening.
Quote:
Yeah.
So you've all been waiting for the big July update with the brand new expansion quests and missions, and the new chocobo raising.
I've got good news and bad news.
The good news is that the update is going ahead. There will be a July update.
Yay.
The bad news is that it doesn't include new expansion quests.
Or missions.
Or chocobo raising.
None of it.
Nothing.
I think we're fixing one of the fonts or something.
Maybe.
It's all very technical.
All I know is I get four free hours to drink without having to listen to any moronic calls about how someone stole your money/stuff/girlfriend.
But, you know what? Shit happens.
It's not exactly easy to get all of this stuff to work in the first place.
Then, it all has to be integrated into the system.
THEN, then we have to deal with all the problems that arise from the update.
Sometimes we have to delay things to make sure they work right.
See, we're doing this for you guys. You should be thanking us.
Stop laughing.
I said stop.
Quite frankly, we're a little sick of the constant update bitchfest.
Every damned time we have an update, we get flooded with a mountain of retarded GM calls.
We actually get two categories of calls about the updates:
1) We want the update now. Hurry up.
2) The update is broken. You should have spent more time on it.
Now, does anyone else see a problem with this?
If you're going to bitch at us to hurry the hell up, you can't turn around and bitch that we hurried the update.
I mean, the update isn't for another week and we already have people complaining about it.
What the hell is wrong with you people?
Today, I had enough.
I decided that the first GM call with a moron whining about the update would inolve a dragon.
*Ding*
GM Call Description: Problem with Update.
Seriously. Murder should be legal in certain situations.
How in the hell could someone have a problem with an update that won't occur for another nine days?
And what kind of functionally retarded ass would make an "emergency" call about it?
I took a nice, deep breath (followed by half of a bottle of whisky) and logged in.
[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you've mastered time travel.
Player>> What are you talking about?
[GM]Dave>> Well... you're having trouble with the update.
[GM]Dave>> An update that won't happen for nine days.
[GM]Dave>> I can only assume you've come back to warn us.
[GM]Dave>> Did we break the intarweb?
[GM]Dave>> Did we invent Skynet?
Player>> No, no.
Player>> That's not what I'm calling about.
[GM]Dave>> Damn.
[GM]Dave>> That would have been awesome.
Player>> ...
Player>> I want to complain about the update.
[GM]Dave>> They still have whiny bitches in the future?
[GM]Dave>> Damn.
[GM]Dave>> I thought we'd find a cure for emo.
Player>> That's not very nice.
[GM]Dave>> Sorry.
[GM]Dave>> I have a low tolerance for idiots.
Player>> Why aren't they putting the new chocobos in?
Player>> That's absolute bullshit.
Player>> We shouldn't have to wait.
See, now this bothers me.
If you are seriously upset that you have to wait for a colored chocobo, I think you've crossed a line.
Maybe it's time to logout for a little while. You need a break.
[GM]Dave>> They're just colored chocobos.
[GM]Dave>> I'm pretty sure you'll survive.
Player>> But we want them now.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Are you serious?
[GM]Dave>> Is that really your argument?
Player>> We've waited long enough.
[GM]Dave>> It's like talking to a five year old.
[GM]Dave>> Can I talk to your mommy please?
Player>> Do you know what the problem is?
[GM]Dave>> Oh please, Mr. Oracle.
[GM]Dave>> Enlighten me with your wisdom.
Player>> You don't respect your customers.
[GM]Dave>> Not really.
[GM]Dave>> Of course, I'm usually stuck talking to morons.
[GM]Dave>> There're probably some customers I'd like.
[GM]Dave>> Maybe.
Player>> We deserve more than this.
[GM]Dave>> I'd like to give you what you deserve.
[GM]Dave>> Sadly, mailing a hand grenade is expensive.
Player>> Did you just THREATEN ME?!
[GM]Dave>> I wouldn't say threaten.
[GM]Dave>> I'd say "creative problem-solving".
Player>> I want to file a complaint.
*GLEE*
[GM]Dave>> Are you sure?
[GM]Dave>> The complaints manager gets a little cranky.
Player>> Now.
[GM]Dave>> Maybe we should just talk this over.
Player>> I want the complaints manager.
Player>> NOW DAMMIT!
[GM]Dave>> Sigh.
[GM]Dave>> I tried.
*warp*
Player>> ...
Player>> Wait...
Player>> What am I doing in jail?
Jormungand hits Player for 13,063 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.
[GM]Dave>> I did warn you.
[GM]Dave>> He gets cranky.
Listen. We know you want your new chocobos.
We're doing the best we can.
If it's that big a deal, I think you have bigger problems than riding a big, colored chicken.
So, why don't we all calm down, you'll shut up, and I won't have to feed you to a dragon.
It's a win-win situation.
Well... more like win-not get ingested.
Quote:
In retrospect, it was probably a bad idea to put it on my job application. But it seemed like such a good idea at the time.
Here's how my thought process went:
[GM]Dave>> But I don't speak anything except english.
[GM]Dave>> I don't even speak that very good.
[GM]DavesBrain>> Oh, that doesn't matter.
[GM]DavesBrain>> Just put down that you speak French.
[GM]DavesBrain>> It'll never come up.
[GM]Dave>> Are you sure?
[GM]DavesBrain>> Completely.
[GM]DavesBrain>> You should also put down...
[GM]DavesBrain>> What's that other country in Europe?
[GM]Dave>> Russia?
[GM]DavesBrain>> No.
[GM]DavesBrain>> The other one.
[GM]Dave>> Germany?
[GM]DavesBrain>> Yeah. That's the one.
[GM]DavesBrain>> Put down that you speak German.
[GM]Dave>> I don't know.
[GM]Dave>> This doesn't seem like a good idea.
[GM]DavesBrain>> C'mon.
[GM]DavesBrain>> Trust me.
So, I put it down.
And up until today, it had never been an issue. Seems the English speaking portion of the FFXI playerbase had kept me more than busy.
And then our supervisor came in today.
Supervisor>> Guys!
Supervisor>> We're getting hammered by calls from European players.
Supervisor>> All multilingual employees are going to handle these calls.
Supervisor>> I'll need some volunteers.
Uh oh.
Damit dammit dammit.
This is the last time I ever listen to my brain.
Wait... He asked for volunteers. I'm safe.
Supervisor>> Nobody?
Supervisor>> That's okay.
Supervisor>> I have a list of multilingual employees.
Crap.
So, I'm stuck fielding calls from our European players.
Then I get my first call.
GM Call Description: On m'a volé ma monstre. J'ai vu ce qui est arrivé.
Yeah.
I'll get right on that.
Just as soon as I figure out what the hell you just said.
Babelfish to the rescue!
Apparently, that translates to
GM Call Description: Me was stolen my monster. I saw what arrived.
...
Okay...
Let me check Babelfish again.
Nope. No broken english to english translation.
I can figure this out. A monster was stolen and they saw what arrived.
...
I'm going to kill my brain with alcohol.
My liver will be acceptable collateral damage.
Oh, well. A monster got stolen. I can work from there.
[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand someone stole your monster.
Player>> ...
Player>> Quoi?
Oh shit.
Back to Babelfish.
[GM]Dave>> I understand someone stole your monster.
Player>> Yes.
Player>> We camped Serra in Bay of Bibiki.
[GM]Dave>> Then what happened?
Player>> A part came near and stole our monster.
[GM]Dave>> How did they steal it?
Player>> They took it before we could.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> That's not stealing.
[GM]Dave>> That's just you getting owned.
Player>> What?
Player>> I don't understand.
Oh damn. What the hell did I just say?
Click on French to English...
It right obtaining to you is had.
...
I sound like I should be writing for Mysterytour.
Okay... I'm getting really sick of this.
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave>> I don't speak french.
Player>> (( Autotranslate )) ?
[GM]Dave>> (( I don't understand English. ))
[GM]Dave>> (( I don't understand Japanese. ))
[GM]Dave>> (( I speak a little. )) (( Chocobo ))
Player>> Quoi?
[GM]Dave>> Wark?
Player>> Tu es une imbecile.
Hey! I understand that last word.
Maybe I do know French.
Unfortunately, I must now destroy him.
[GM]Dave>> So...
[GM]Dave>> Do you understand any English?
Player>> A small bit.
[GM]Dave>> What's the word "dragon" in French?
Player>> Dragon.
Jormungand hits Player for 12,722 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.
[GM]Dave>> What's the word "banned" in French?
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Hello?
[GM]Dave>> Are you there?
He kind of disappeared after that.
And just when I was starting to learn some important phrases.
Quote:
It was bound to happen eventually.
This morning, I was working an early shift when I received a GM call from Behemoth's Dominion.
Gee, I wonder what this call could be about.
Could someone be stuck?
Maybe there is a glitch they'd like to report.
GM Call Description: Other LS is attempting to steal King Behemoth. Help.
Wow. HNMLS drama.
I'm shocked.
Anyway, once the initial surprise wore off, I logged in and teleported to their location.
[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> What the problem is?
Player>> That other HNMLS is trying to steal our claim.
[GM]Dave>> And why would they do that?
Player>> They say we can't beat him.
[GM]Dave>> Well... how much have you taken his HP down?
Player>> He's at 94%.
[GM]Dave>> My, that is a very accurate estimate.
[GM]Dave>> One might think you can see monster's HPs.
Player>> ... Yeah.
Player>> I guessed.
[GM]Dave>> Sure you did.
[GM]Dave>> Okay, he's at 94%.
[GM]Dave>> How long have you been fighting?
Player>> It's been about two hours now.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Are you kidding?
Player>> No.
Player>> A little over two hours, I think.
[GM]Dave>> That's pathetic.
[GM]Dave>> At this rate, you'll be done by October.
Player>> We're handling it.
[GM]Dave>> What the hell is taking so long?
[GM]Dave>> Are you hoping he'll die from old age?
Player>> Hey, that's not fair.
Player>> We're doing our best.
[GM]Dave>> That's good.
[GM]Dave>> Never give up.
Player>> Thank you.
[GM]Dave>> Unless you really suck.
[GM]Dave>> And then you should totally give up.
Player>> Listen.
Player>> We claimed fair and square.
[GM]Dave>> Puns are not funny.
Player>> He's our King Behemoth and they're trying to steal it.
Player>> So, are you going to do something or not?
[GM]Dave>> I guess I will.
*warpaga*
[GM]Dave>> Everyone!
[GM]Dave>> Welcome to Mordion Gaol.
Stealer1>> What the hell?!
Stealer2>> What's going on?!
Stealer1>> We didn't do anything!
[GM]Dave>> You're here for attempting to steal claim.
[GM]Dave>> Are there any more questions?
Player1>> Uhh... Yeah.
Player1>> Why is our LS here?
[GM]Dave>> You have been accused of sucking.
Player1>> Accused?
Player1>> By who?
[GM]Dave>> Did I say "accused"?
[GM]Dave>> Silly me.
[GM]Dave>> I meant "found guilty".
Player2>> That's so not true.
Player2>> We don't suck.
Stealer1>> Actually... You really do.
Stealer3>> I have to agree.
[GM]Dave>> See?
[GM]Dave>> The asshats agree with me.
Stealer3>> Wait... Did you just call us asshats?
[GM]Dave>> Did I say "asshats"?
[GM]Dave>> Silly me.
[GM]Dave>> I meant "asshats".
Stealer1>> That's the same thing.
[GM]Dave>> You're quick.
[GM]Dave>> You must be the mastermind.
Player1>> You can't do this.
Player3>> LET US OUT!
[GM]Dave>> We have to have a fair trial first.
Player1>> A fair trial?
[GM]Dave>> Mostly fair.
[GM]Dave>> More or less fair.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah... Not so much with the fair.
[GM]Dave>> Can I interest you in a lynching?
Player2>> I want to file a complaint.
Player1>> Yeah. Me, too.
Stealer2>> Me, too.
It's like shooting fish in a barrel.
With a bazooka.
[GM]Dave>> Would you like me to direct you to our complaints manager?
*GLEE*
Player1>> Yes. Right away.
Stealer2>> You're so dead.
Jormungand hits Stealer2 for 14,893 points of damage.
Stealer2 was defeated by Jormungand.
[GM]Dave>> I love irony.
[GM]Dave>> Who's next?
The panic rippled their their masses and people tried to run.
Silly, silly people.
But then something odd happened.
Player1>> GUYS!
Player1>> We can take him if we work together!
Stealer1>> You're right.
Stealer1>> Ninjas to the front!
They actually banded together to fight MY Jormy.
MY Jormy.
Apparently, being sent to prison has caused them to have some sort of psychological break.
They are obviously insane.
Unfortunately, they seemed to be doing a rather good job of holding Jormy off. The Ninjas were working together to bounce hate around and their Black Mages were doing some good damage.
Most importantly, none of them were dying.
Player1>> We're doing it!
Player1>> KEEP GOING!
Jormy's HP began to drop.
And drop.
And drop.
Things looked bad for our heroes. Jormy only had a sliver of life left and I was grossly outnumbered.
OH NOEZ!
[GM]Dave>> Silly, silly people.
[GM]Dave uses Pet Food Omega on Jormungand.
Stealer3>> What the hell is Pet Food Omega?!
Player2>> OH SHIT!
Player2>> HE'S COMPLETELY HEALED!
Stealer1>> Calm down.
Player1>> Yeah.
Player1>> We can just take him down again.
[GM]Dave uses Call Wyvern.
Player1>> HAHAHA!!!
Player1>> He's a DRAGOON!
Stealer2>> Oh no, he called his little blue wyvern.
Stealer2>> I'm real scared now.
[GM]Dave>> Not exactly.
And that's when Vtra, Guivre, Vouivre, Seiryu, and Bune spawned right behind them.
[GM]Dave>> Are you scared now?
Oh, it was chaos after that. Morons running in every direction, OMGs and WTFs flying to and fro.
The bodies piled up fast.
Very, very fast.
[GM]Dave>> That's what you get for picking on a poor, defenseless dragon.
Quote:
I was in a great mood when I got to work today.
I mean a GREAT mood.
This, of course, had nothing to do with a weekend of crazy, freaky, wild sex.
Nothing at all.
That is, however, why I was limping when I came in.
Totally worth it.
Anyway, because I was in such a great mood, I decided to do something nice for someone.
Not random though.
I hate giving things to random people because I always wind up getting a complete moron. Some slack-jawed simpleton who drools on my shoes as he asks me for money.
Instead of that, I decided to choose someone from the fan club.
Converting to Davism does have its advantages.
So, I started combing through the e-mails I've received lately.
No. Not this one.
His character name has too many vowels.
This is a fantasy game, people. That means fantasy names, not names that cannot be pronounced with the human tongue.
So, he's out.
Nope. Not this girl, either.
She used an emoticon in her e-mail.
As I am neither twelve nor chatting on AOL, I'll assume she wasn't talking to me.
Here's one.
Good e-mail. No emo begging for help. Doesn't say Manthra.
Perfect.
I do a quick server check and then log into Odin so that I might rain good tidings on this lucky, lucky soul.
[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> How are things?
Huf>> Uhh...
Huf>> Good.
[GM]Dave>> Good?
[GM]Dave>> Please, not so much detail.
Huf>> Did I do something wrong?
Huf>> Am I getting banned?
[GM]Dave>> Why do people ask me that?
Huf>> Well...
Huf>> You do kind of always ban people.
[GM]Dave>> True.
[GM]Dave>> I do tend to inspire fear.
[GM]Dave>> Lucky for you, you're not getting banned.
Huf>> ...
[GM]Dave>> What?
Huf>> I'm not sure if I should cheer about that just yet.
[GM]Dave>> Don't you have any faith?
Huf>> No.
Huf>> Not really.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah...
[GM]Dave>> That's probably a good plan.
Huf>> Okay... if I'm not in trouble...
Huf>> Why are you here?
[GM]Dave>> I'm in a good mood.
Huf>> Who are you?
Huf>> What'd you do to [GM]Dave?
[GM]Dave>> I'm going to let that slide.
[GM]Dave>> For now.
Huf>> Gotcha.
[GM]Dave>> I'm here to bestow good fortune upon you.
Huf>> Sweet.
Huf>> What does that mean?
[GM]Dave>> It means I'm going to do something nice.
[GM]Dave>> What do you want?
Huf>> Can we kill some gilsellers?
[GM]Dave>> That's it?
Huf>> Eh...
Huf>> I'm easy to please.
[GM]Dave>> It's your dime, man.
[GM]Dave>> How do you want to do it?
[GM]Dave>> Fiery sword?
[GM]Dave>> Explosive device?
Huf>> Can I feed them to Jormy?
[GM]Dave>> ... I guess that could be arranged.
Huf>> SWEET!
[GM]Dave>> You are easy to please.
So, we find a few gilsellers around the server and transport them to Mordion Gaol.
I was even kind enough to switch Huf's armor to look like GM gear.
I am a benevolent god.
Huf>> THIS ARMOR IS SWEET!
[GM]Dave>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> That's only a loan, you realize.
Huf>> Oh.
Huf>> Still cool, though.
Huf>> Look! I'm all shimmery.
[GM]Dave>> I'm kind of used to it by now.
Huf>> So what do I do?
[GM]Dave>> Just tell me which one to kill first.
Huf>> Uhh...
Huf>> How about the Hume on the end?
[GM]Dave>> Sure.
[GM]Dave>> Jormy! COULD YOU EAT THAT GUY?
Jormungand hits Hume for 14,752 points of damage.
Hume was defeated by Jormungand.
Huf>> Ha ha!
Huf>> That was awesome!
[GM]Dave>> Who's next?
Huf>> THAT GUY!
Huf>> The Galka!
[GM]Dave>> Calm down.
[GM]Dave>> Hey, Jormy!
[GM]Dave>> Could you get Fatty there?
Jormungand hits Galka for 13,394 points of damage.
Galka was defeated by Jormungand.
We went through their number pretty quick.
Then we only had one left. A frail little Taru Thief.
Huf>> YOU'RE TOAST NOW!
Huf>> JORMY! EAT THE MIDGET!
Jormungand hits Huf for 18,940 points of damage.
Huf was defeated by Jormungand.
Huf>> WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!
[GM]Dave>> See...
[GM]Dave>> He really doesn't like being ordered around.
Still, I think he enjoyed the experience.
It's nice helping people.
Quote:
Sigh.
I warned Susan several times.
Almost every other day, I warned her about using a windower program when she was playing FFXI.
I tried to tell her we could detect that.
Of course, what the hell would a GM know?
Then the news finally came down today. 2000 accounts suspended or banned for using windower.
And guess who was on the list.
I'll give you three guesses and the first two don't count.
Here's a hint.
Hell hath no fury like a woman temp suspended for 72 hours.
Then things got really fun. She called me.
AT WORK.
[GM]Dave>> Hi, honey.
[GM]Dave>> How's your day...
Susan>> SHUT IT!
Susan>> Fix it.
[GM]Dave>> Fix what, dear?
Susan>> FIX IT NOW!
[GM]Dave>> Susan honey...
[GM]Dave>> Calm down.
Susan>> SCREW CALMING DOWN!
Susan>> I'VE GOT DYNAMIS TONIGHT!
[GM]Dave>> On the bright side, we could go to a movie.
[GM]Dave>> Or dinner maybe.
Susan>> #%&@ YOUR DINNER!
[GM]Dave>> That would probably make it inedible, dear.
[GM]Dave>> I'm not a chef, but...
Susan>> FIX IT NOW! NOW NOW NOW!!!
[GM]Dave>> You never call to talk anymore.
Susan>> UNBAN ME NOW!!!
Wait... Did she say unban?
Let me check that list again...
Nope, she's just temp-suspended.
She'll be so relieved when I tell her.
...
I should tell her.
Susan>> BE USEFUL FOR ONCE!
Maybe tomorrow.
[GM]Dave>> Sorry, sweetie.
[GM]Dave>> No can do.
Susan>> WHY NOT?!
[GM]Dave>> I'm very busy right now.
[GM]Dave>> Working on a very imporant report.
[GM]Dave>> Let's see...
[GM]Dave>> Black seven on a red eight.
Susan>> YOU'RE PLAYING SOLITAIRE?!
[GM]Dave>> Yeah...
[GM]Dave>> Minesweeper got boring.
[GM]Dave>> And I was tired of crafting.
Susan>> FIX MY DAMNED ACCOUNT!
[GM]Dave>> If I did that, you wouldn't learn anything.
Susan>> @#$%#@ @#$% @#$% &*%$%^
[GM]Dave>> Tsk tsk tsk.
[GM]Dave>> Such language.
Susan>> I'm going to KILL YOU!
[GM]Dave>> We could settle this in Ballista.
[GM]Dave>> Oh... Yeah... The ban...
[GM]Dave>> My bad.
Susan>> You have to do something.
[GM]Dave>> I really can't.
[GM]Dave>> They deleted all of the characters.
Susan>> DELETED?!
[GM]Dave>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> I barely had time to log onto your character and take your stuff.
At that point, I heard the phone drop from her ear.
Then there was some screaming.
She may have also alluded to me having improper physical contact with my mother.
Nice.
Susan>> You're going to fix this.
[GM]Dave>> There's really nothing I can do.
Susan>> You're not listening.
Susan>> YOU'RE GOING TO FIX THIS.
[GM]Dave>> Maybe you could play WoW.
[GM]Dave>> I heard that's kind of fun.
Susan>> If you ever want to have sex again...
Susan>> DO SOMETHING!
[GM]Dave>> I do so like the sex.
Susan>> ...
Susan>> If you fix this...
Susan>> I will do things to you that you can't imagine.
Susan>> Or even spell.
[GM]Dave>> Hmmm...
[GM]Dave>> This may require some major hacking.
Susan>> Things you can't even imagine.
[GM]Dave>> Let me get right on that.
About a half hour later, I called her and told her I managed to change it to a temp-suspension.
She was quite pleased.
Now, a noble man would be kind to her. A noble man would explain the situation, laugh about it, and not hold her to any promises.
I'm so damned glad I'm not a noble man.
Quote:
Why do people anger me so?
I want everyone to do me a favor. Repeat the following sentence:
"I don't own anything in the game."
Say it again.
And again.
Now, keep saying it until it becomes ingrained in your brain.
If you're having trouble, you may want to warm up a bit by trying to put something else in your brain.
Like a bullet.
You don't own a monster.
You don't.
You don't own a camp site.
You don't.
You sure as hell don't own any treasure chests or coffers.
You don't, you don't, you don't.
Yes, I know.
You really need that treasure chest. You really need that coffer.
I'm sure it has your insulin in it.
Still not yours.
You can't call it. You can't shout dibs.
There will be no shotgunning the treasure chests.
If you get there first, you get to open it.
If you get there second, you get to shut the hell up.
I am so sick and Goddamned tired of people calling me to complain about someone stealing their chest.
This afternoon, I had had enough. I snapped.
Can you blame me?
I was already having a bad day. I had crit failed a major synth and lost some very expensive materials.
My bottle of Jack Daniel's had also run dry.
Not good.
And then, I got the GM call.
GM Call Description: Please help. Player stole my treasure chest.
My treasure chest.
MY treasure chest.
Hold on a second... Let me chesk something...
Nope.
You're not listed in the credits.
I must point out this oversight.
[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Mr. Chest is it?
Player>> No.
Player>> That's not my name.
[GM]Dave>> Your name isn't "Treasure Chest"?
Player>> lol
Player>> No.
[GM]Dave>> So your name wasn't on the chest.
[GM]Dave>> Glad we could clear that up.
Player>> No, but I told that guy that I wanted the chest.
Player>> I needed it for my RSE.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> And?
Player>> And he opened it anyway.
[GM]Dave>> A player opened a treasure chest?
[GM]Dave>> Let me call Ripley's.
Player>> But he didn't even need the chest.
Player>> He just took it because it was there.
[GM]Dave>> He's allowed to do that.
Player>> But he didn't need it.
Player>> I need it.
Player>> He shouldn't have taken it.
[GM]Dave>> We need to make a small clarification.
[GM]Dave>> You didn't need the chest.
Player>> Yes, I did.
[GM]Dave>> No.
[GM]Dave>> You wanted the chest.
[GM]Dave>> You did not need it.
Player>> You don't understand.
[GM]Dave>> Sure, I do.
[GM]Dave>> You wanted the chest and someone opened it.
[GM]Dave>> And you're crying like an eight-year-old girl.
[GM]Dave>> Did I miss something?
Player>> But I really need to get that item.
[GM]Dave>> Will you die if you don't get it?
Player>> No.
Player>> Of course not.
[GM]Dave>> Damn.
Player>> That guy should be punished for taking the chest.
[GM]Dave>> For taking the chest?
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> The free, unopened treasure chest?
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> I have to ask...
[GM]Dave>> Is your brain AFK right now?
Player>> You GMs are totally useless.
Player>> You never do anything.
And there it is.
If there's a button you don't want to push, it's that one.
[GM]Dave>> Well, gee, Mr. Player sir.
[GM]Dave>> What if I gave you a free chest to open?
Player>> You can do that?
[GM]Dave>> Sure.
Player>> Well, that sounds okay.
[GM]Dave>> I thought it would.
Muwahahahahaha!!!
[GM]Dave>> Are you ready?
Player>> Ready for anything.
[GM]Dave>> Let's hope so.
Player>> What?
*warp*
Player>> Wait...
Player>> Where are we?
[GM]Dave>> I couldn't just make a new chest appear.
[GM]Dave>> Someone might have taken it again.
[GM]Dave>> So I made it spawn in Mordion Gaol.
Player>> Good thinking.
[GM]Dave>> Go ahead and open it.
Player>> Okay.
Player Obtains Dragon Bait.
Player>> Huh?
Player>> What's this for?
Jormungand hits Player for 13,988 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.
[GM]Dave>> Whoops.
[GM]Dave>> He says that was his chest.
[GM]Dave>> You probably shouldn't have taken it.
I've tried.
I really have.
Do you think I like hating people? I don't.
I've tried really, really hard not to despise the players.
It's very hard, but I've tried.
Unfortunately, everytime I start to make some progress someone has to do something that makes me dislike the entire human race.
Not just the players. I mean every person on the planet.
I slapped a kid in the face yesterday because you undercut at the AH.
That's totally your fault.
Quote:
I need to lie down.
This has been possibly the most retarded day that has ever been.
Honestly, I cannot even begin to explain the sheer stupidity of today's events, so I will simply relate them as they happened.
I was on the night shift and was working very late. This, of course, meant three things:
1) I had been drinking quite a bit
2) I was half asleep (except replace half with completely)
3) I was not in the mood to deal with people.
Was this the stupid part of the day?
Hell, no.
Those three things are usually true when I'm working anyway.
So, I'm getting some crafting done and sending random morons to Mordion Gaol for inflating the prices of my materials.
Player-controlled economy my ass. You mess with my profits and I'm going to cut you.
Suddenly, I get a GM call.
GM Call Description: GM help! Player disturb me. He use 3rd software. Please to interfere, and to punish.
...
Somewhere the english language is crying itself to sleep.
Why does that player name sound familiar though?
I quickly flip through the special red folder on my desk. This folder contains the names of every suspected gilseller.
I call it my "Shoot On Sight" list.
And there he is.
A gilseller reporting a gilseller.
Now, you're probably thinking that this must be the stupidity of which I speak.
No.
Not even close.
We get calls from gilsellers about gilsellers all the time.
That's nothing new.
But don't worry. It's coming.
Because I always have to slow down and gaze upon the train wreck that is humanity, I logged in and sent the "customer" a tell.
[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> You wanted to report a kettle for being black?
Player>> Hello to you.
Player>> Please to help us.
[GM]Dave>> English called.
[GM]Dave>> It says "Please, stop."
Player>> Other player cheating.
Player>> He use 3rd software.
[GM]Dave>> Well... you'd know, wouldn't you?
Player>> Please. We ask you.
[GM]Dave>> Tell you what...
[GM]Dave>> Why don't the three of us discuss this?
*warp*
Now, I want to describe the scene for you.
We're in Mordion Gaol. On one side, I have a level 75 Rank 1 Red Mage.
Yes, I said Rank 1.
On the other side, I have a level 75 Ninja who, as we speak, is cycling through targets in the room and attempting to provoke.
Also Rank 1.
Words fail me.
[GM]Dave>> I have brought you both here to discuss cheating.
Player>> Why we are here?
Player>> He is cheater.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah...
[GM]Dave>> He filed a report against you, too.
Player>> What?!
Player>> We are innocent.
[GM]Dave>> That's not what he says.
[GM]Dave>> Isn't that right?
Silence.
[GM]Dave>> See?
Player>> ...
Player>> He did not say.
[GM]Dave>> Sure, he did.
[GM]Dave>> Do you have anything else to say?
Silence.
[GM]Dave>> He said what about my mother?!
Player>> He lie.
Player>> He lie.
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave>> I'm going to have to refer this file to a committee.
Jormungand hits Player for 15,682 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah...
[GM]Dave>> It's not looking good.
So, I ban the two of them.
Two less gilsellers in the world. Good shift, right?
Not so much.
*DING*
GM Call Description: Player disappear. Please to help.
Yes. A gilseller calling a GM to find a gilseller who called a GM to report a gilseller.
My life is surreal.
Do they not understand the point of a GM?
By the time my shift was over, I banned six more gilsellers who all called me about the first gilseller.
It was like a train of stupid.
I think I banned one guy twice.
Sigh.
My head hurts. I need to lie down.
Quote:
It was bound to happen eventually.
This morning, I was working an early shift when I received a GM call from Behemoth's Dominion.
Gee, I wonder what this call could be about.
Could someone be stuck?
Maybe there is a glitch they'd like to report.
GM Call Description: Other LS is attempting to steal King Behemoth. Help.
Wow. HNMLS drama.
I'm shocked.
Anyway, once the initial surprise wore off, I logged in and teleported to their location.
[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> What the problem is?
Player>> That other HNMLS is trying to steal our claim.
[GM]Dave>> And why would they do that?
Player>> They say we can't beat him.
[GM]Dave>> Well... how much have you taken his HP down?
Player>> He's at 94%.
[GM]Dave>> My, that is a very accurate estimate.
[GM]Dave>> One might think you can see monster's HPs.
Player>> ... Yeah.
Player>> I guessed.
[GM]Dave>> Sure you did.
[GM]Dave>> Okay, he's at 94%.
[GM]Dave>> How long have you been fighting?
Player>> It's been about two hours now.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Are you kidding?
Player>> No.
Player>> A little over two hours, I think.
[GM]Dave>> That's pathetic.
[GM]Dave>> At this rate, you'll be done by October.
Player>> We're handling it.
[GM]Dave>> What the hell is taking so long?
[GM]Dave>> Are you hoping he'll die from old age?
Player>> Hey, that's not fair.
Player>> We're doing our best.
[GM]Dave>> That's good.
[GM]Dave>> Never give up.
Player>> Thank you.
[GM]Dave>> Unless you really suck.
[GM]Dave>> And then you should totally give up.
Player>> Listen.
Player>> We claimed fair and square.
[GM]Dave>> Puns are not funny.
Player>> He's our King Behemoth and they're trying to steal it.
Player>> So, are you going to do something or not?
[GM]Dave>> I guess I will.
*warpaga*
[GM]Dave>> Everyone!
[GM]Dave>> Welcome to Mordion Gaol.
Stealer1>> What the hell?!
Stealer2>> What's going on?!
Stealer1>> We didn't do anything!
[GM]Dave>> You're here for attempting to steal claim.
[GM]Dave>> Are there any more questions?
Player1>> Uhh... Yeah.
Player1>> Why is our LS here?
[GM]Dave>> You have been accused of sucking.
Player1>> Accused?
Player1>> By who?
[GM]Dave>> Did I say "accused"?
[GM]Dave>> Silly me.
[GM]Dave>> I meant "found guilty".
Player2>> That's so not true.
Player2>> We don't suck.
Stealer1>> Actually... You really do.
Stealer3>> I have to agree.
[GM]Dave>> See?
[GM]Dave>> The asshats agree with me.
Stealer3>> Wait... Did you just call us asshats?
[GM]Dave>> Did I say "asshats"?
[GM]Dave>> Silly me.
[GM]Dave>> I meant "asshats".
Stealer1>> That's the same thing.
[GM]Dave>> You're quick.
[GM]Dave>> You must be the mastermind.
Player1>> You can't do this.
Player3>> LET US OUT!
[GM]Dave>> We have to have a fair trial first.
Player1>> A fair trial?
[GM]Dave>> Mostly fair.
[GM]Dave>> More or less fair.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah... Not so much with the fair.
[GM]Dave>> Can I interest you in a lynching?
Player2>> I want to file a complaint.
Player1>> Yeah. Me, too.
Stealer2>> Me, too.
It's like shooting fish in a barrel.
With a bazooka.
[GM]Dave>> Would you like me to direct you to our complaints manager?
*GLEE*
Player1>> Yes. Right away.
Stealer2>> You're so dead.
Jormungand hits Stealer2 for 14,893 points of damage.
Stealer2 was defeated by Jormungand.
[GM]Dave>> I love irony.
[GM]Dave>> Who's next?
The panic rippled their their masses and people tried to run.
Silly, silly people.
But then something odd happened.
Player1>> GUYS!
Player1>> We can take him if we work together!
Stealer1>> You're right.
Stealer1>> Ninjas to the front!
They actually banded together to fight MY Jormy.
MY Jormy.
Apparently, being sent to prison has caused them to have some sort of psychological break.
They are obviously insane.
Unfortunately, they seemed to be doing a rather good job of holding Jormy off. The Ninjas were working together to bounce hate around and their Black Mages were doing some good damage.
Most importantly, none of them were dying.
Player1>> We're doing it!
Player1>> KEEP GOING!
Jormy's HP began to drop.
And drop.
And drop.
Things looked bad for our heroes. Jormy only had a sliver of life left and I was grossly outnumbered.
OH NOEZ!
[GM]Dave>> Silly, silly people.
[GM]Dave uses Pet Food Omega on Jormungand.
Stealer3>> What the hell is Pet Food Omega?!
Player2>> OH SHIT!
Player2>> HE'S COMPLETELY HEALED!
Stealer1>> Calm down.
Player1>> Yeah.
Player1>> We can just take him down again.
[GM]Dave uses Call Wyvern.
Player1>> HAHAHA!!!
Player1>> He's a DRAGOON!
Stealer2>> Oh no, he called his little blue wyvern.
Stealer2>> I'm real scared now.
[GM]Dave>> Not exactly.
And that's when Vtra, Guivre, Vouivre, Seiryu, and Bune spawned right behind them.
[GM]Dave>> Are you scared now?
Oh, it was chaos after that. Morons running in every direction, OMGs and WTFs flying to and fro.
The bodies piled up fast.
Very, very fast.
[GM]Dave>> That's what you get for picking on a poor, defenseless dragon.
Quote:
Last night was so much fun, I'm surprised I'm still not drunk.
I was so smashed by the end of the night, I could barely stand up. I'm pretty sure I blacked out there a few times.
Remember, kids: [GM]Dave says drink responsibly.
Anyway, I was getting off my shift yesterday evening and was all ready to head home when one of the other GMs came over and told me a few people from work were getting together.
Susan's out of town visiting her parents and the only thing I had planned was a crafting run, so I figured why the hell not.
I mean how much trouble could a bunch of GMs get in, right?
Answer: a lot.
The night started fairly normally. We all logged in and randomed to see who got to be (read: stuck with) designated driver.
I rolled a 997. Even luck is determined to see my liver die.
We piled into a few cars and headed off to a local bar.
Fast forward two hours later. We're being kicked out of the bar because a few of the guys were shouting "Level 23 WAR LFG!" at the top of their lungs.
I may or may not have been involved.
Then one of the guys said we should goto a liquor store and then back to the office.
Big mistake.
Last night made our maintenance ritual (read: drinking binge) look like afternoon tea.
We pulled up the GM Call queue and everytime we saw the words "gil seller" we all had to do a shot.
Fifteen minutes later, we were out of alcohol and very, very drunk. Two guys were asleep and one guy hadn't been seen since the bar. We were pretty sure he was dead.
Then we started a new game. A game we like to call "You have no pants."
We all logged into our GM accounts and took different servers. Every server had a crazed, drunk GM running around.
With no pants.
We'd stop and talk to people and, if they mentioned our lack of pants, we screamed "BANNED!!!" and then took their pants.
First GM to have an inventory full of pants won.
I am currently world champion.
Then someone came up with the single, greatest idea in the history of time.
We all ran to the parking lot, piled into whatever vehicles we could find, went to our houses and picked up some computers, and then found a games store open late.
Gas money to get to the store: $20
12 copies of World of Warcraft: $360
Pissing off other GMs: Priceless
So we head over to some guy's house, hook up the computers, all log into the same server and start creating chaos.
One guy starts having very obscene cyber sex.
In /yell.
Dyrkonion: Then I take the carrot and stick it in my...
Dyrkonion: Dammit. mt ><
Two other guys start running through the court scene from A Few Good Men.
In /yell.
Thomkroose: I want the truth!
JaKNiklson: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
The rest of us start sending the dumbest GM calls we can think of.
GM Call Description: how du i get a epic mount?
GM Call Description: Where's a good place to buy gold?
And my personal favorite (because I wrote it)...
GM Call Description: My mom says I have to stop playing. Can you talk to her?
If you see something in the news about a whole bunch of Blizzard employees committing suicide, that so was not our fault.
By the end of the night, all of our accounts had been banned, one guy's computer was a smouldering ruin, and everyone was passed out on the floor.
Good times.
HELL YEAH
Quote:
This morning, I was at work and I was bored.
Just.
Plain.
Bored.
I was banning cheaters and morons left, right, and center, but nothing was doing it for me.
Even feeding people to Jormy wasn't making me feel better.
This was serious.
It was time to try something new, something different.
Since my sniper rifle was on back order, I had to come up with another idea.
What would be the best way to combat the complete and other randomness I am forced to deal with every day?
Then it came to me, an idea so perfect that I'm surprised it hadn't come to me long ago.
Fight fire with fire.
Fight crazy with crazy.
But where could I find someone to would inspire such madness?
Gee... if only I had a line up of complete morons with nothing better to do than send me retarded messages.
GM Call Queue: You have 168 GM calls pending over 9 servers.
Perfect.
Let's say hello to our first contestant...
GM Call Description: No treasure coffer in Eldieme Necropolis. Glitch.
He enjoys long walks through dank dungeons and is apparently functionally retarded.
[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> The color of the day is cheese.
Player>> ... Uhh...
Player>> Hi?
[GM]Dave>> I ask you: what sound does tomorrow make?
[GM]Dave>> The otter wants to know.
Player>> The what?
Player>> What otter?
[GM]Dave>> That is a question.
[GM]Dave>> It bears the mark of the question.
[GM]Dave>> I fear it.
Player>> What's going on?
[GM]Dave>> Yes, Yes, YES.
[GM]Dave>> What is going on indeed?
[GM]Dave>> Only the otter can tell us.
Player>> WHAT OTTER?
[GM]Dave>> Quiet, you mad fool!
[GM]Dave>> They will hear you.
Player>> WHO?
[GM]Dave>> You have spoken with the owl?
[GM]Dave>> He is a delicious bird.
[GM]Dave>> Delicious in his madness.
Player>> I have no idea what the hell you're saying!
[GM]Dave>> What is knowing?
[GM]Dave>> The otter knows.
Player>> WHAT GODDAMNED OTTER?!
[GM]Dave>> He has heard you.
[GM]Dave>> The end times have begun.
[GM]Dave>> Tomorrow shall make no sound.
Player>> You're freaking crazy.
[GM]Dave>> Quickly! We must hide!
[GM]Dave>> I can feel his apathy.
Player>> What do you mean hide?
*warp*
Area: Mordion Gaol
Player>> Oh, Christ.
Player>> What the hell now?!
[GM]Dave>> WE ARE LOST!!!
[GM]Dave>> THE OTTER HAS FOUND US!!!
Player>> Where?
[GM]Dave>> There!
[GM]Dave>> He sits there bathing in our fear!
Player>> That?
Player>> That's what you're afraid of?!
Player>> IT'S A FREAKING RABBIT!
[GM]Dave>> That is only what it wants you to think.
[GM]Dave>> The truth lies underneath.
[GM]Dave>> Underneath lies madness.
Player>> OH SHUT UP!
Player>> I'll kill it.
The Wild Hare uses Acquiessense.
Player is defeated by the Otter.
[GM]Dave>> The otter...
[GM]Dave>> He cries.
It's funny. That guy still hasn't logged back in.
He must be taking either:
a) a day off to regain his senses
b) a power drill to his temple.
Either way, I'm not bored anymore.
Quote:
Yesterday, I spent the majority of my day on the edge of death. Literally, I spent several hours praying for it to just end.
Okay...
I had the flu.
Still, I just couldn't log in. Something about the camera motion was making me nauseous.
This, of course, sucked because I wasted a day off that could have gone into crafting. Damn these germs.
Anyway, since I could not log in, I actually started to miss the mindless, random nonsense I deal with on a daily basis.
Things were just way to normal. I was getting freaked out.
Where could I find a source of complete retardation?
Oh, yeah... when your PS2 isn't on, other stuff comes out of your TV.
So, I spent the day watching anything and everything that came across the screen.
Infomercials? Watched them.
Sitcoms? Watched them.
Reality TV? Sadly... watched them.
But it was through this act of mental masochism that I came up with yet another form of absolute cruelty to release upon the player populace.
I call it Survivor: Mordion Gaol.
This morning, when the curse had apparently been lifted, I headed into work and damn, I was ready to go.
Some bitches was gonna pay.
I logged into a random server and checked for known and suspected gilsellers.
Dammit! I only needed twelve people.
Fine. Whatever. I picked twelve at random.
I considered banning the rest, but then what would I do tomorrow?
I warped the twelve "lucky" contestants to Mordion Gaol.
LET THE GAMES BEGIN!
[GM]Dave>> Welcome, Cheaters.
[GM]Dave>> I mean Adventurers.
[GM]Dave>> No, I meant Cheaters.
Player1>> Why are we here?
[GM]Dave>> You're here to take part in an exciting new event.
[GM]Dave>> It's called "Survivor: Mordion Gaol".
Player2>> Can you do this?
[GM]Dave>> Well, it does raise some serious questions of morality.
[GM]Dave>> Luckily, I have no morals.
[GM]Dave>> Isn't it great the way that works out?
Player1>> You can't just do this to us.
Player3>> Yeah. We're paying customers.
[GM]Dave>> You're looking at this the wrong way.
[GM]Dave>> This is a good thing?
Player2>> Really?
Player2>> It's good?
[GM]Dave>> It's very good.
[GM]Dave>> Well... sort of good.
[GM]Dave>> Okay, it's actually really terrible.
[GM]Dave>> I'd probably start crying, if I were you.
Player4>> Can we do anything to get out of here?
[GM]Dave>> There will be several competitions.
Player4>> Like what?
[GM]Dave>> Well... do you like food competitions?
Player4>> Sure.
Jormungand hits Player4 for 14,033 points of damage.
Player4 was defeated by Jormungand.
[GM]Dave>> And we're down to eleven.
Player3>> This is insane.
[GM]Dave>> How about a physical competition next?
Jormungand hits Player3 for 12,791 points of damage.
Player3 was defeated by Jormungand.
[GM]Dave>> Ten.
Player5>> That was the same as the food competition.
Jormungand hits Player5 for 15,343 points of damage.
Player5 was defeated by Jormungand.
[GM]Dave>> Nine.
[GM]Dave>> Are we done with the questions?
[GM]Dave>> Good.
[GM]Dave>> Now, on to the next competition.
[GM]Dave>> Somewhere in this room is a special ??? point.
[GM]Dave>> It is only targetable at very close range.
[GM]Dave>> The last person to find it will be banned.
[GM]Dave>> GO!
You know, it's been about sixteen hours. I really should check in on them soon.
Or next week.
Whatever.
I wonder how long it'll take them to figure out there's no ??? point.
Eh... I'll wait a week and see if any of them are still there.
And then I'll ban them.
Outwit.
Outplay.
Out of my Goddamned game, you retards.
Quote:
Okay, we're going to do a little experiment. I want everyone to imagine it's your job to deal with complete idiots all day.
Absolute morons.
Every once in a while, you have to talk to a normal person. These islands in a sea of stupidity are, however, exceptionally rare.
With me so far?
Now, tell me how long your patience would last.
If you said more than one day, you are a dirty liar.
That is what annoys me so much about people who rant about "useless GMs". It's damned easy to be critical when you're not doing the goddamned work.
We're not useless. We're just sick off all this crap.
You ever hear the story of the boy who cried wolf? Read that fifteen hundred times and you'll be where I am right now.
Welcome to Apathy. Feel indifferent about your stay.
Today, someone actually sent a GM call to complain about useless GMs.
I want you to fully understand the stupidity of this concept. There are only two things that can come from this idea:
1) You are right. We are useless.
Of course, being useless, we wouldn't really bother to read your retarded GM call, now would we? You have completely and utterly wasted your time.
Congratulations. You're an idiot.
2) You are wrong. We are not useless.
Of course, if we're not useless, we will read this call and become quite angry. You have actively angered people that you know ban people for being stupid.
Congratulations. You're an idiot.
So, the best you can possibly hope for is that I don't show up and feed you to a dragon.
That is the best case scenario.
But GMs are not useless. I read this call (in between shots) and decided an education was in order.
Class is in session, bitches.
[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you wish to cancel your account.
Player>> No.
Player>> I want to complain about you GMs.
Player>> You're all useless.
[GM]Dave>> I apologize, Ma'am.
Player>> I'm a guy.
[GM]Dave>> Oh...
[GM]Dave>> Being such a whiny bitch, I assumed.
[GM]Dave>> My bad.
Player>> HEY!
[GM]Dave>> Now, why would you say we're useless?
Player>> You don't do anything.
[GM]Dave>> Well... that would be the definition of useless.
[GM]Dave>> Care to elaborate, Webster?
Player>> GMs don't do anything to stop cheaters.
Player>> You're useless in stopping them.
[GM]Dave>> And you could do better?
Player>> Any day of the week.
[GM]Dave>> How about today?
Player>> What do you mean?
[GM]Dave>> Today is a day of the week.
[GM]Dave>> Why don't you do a better job than me?
Player>> You're going to give me GM powers?
[GM]Dave>> Are you retarded?
[GM]Dave>> Of course not.
[GM]Dave>> We'll call you a consultant.
Player>> What do I do?
[GM]Dave>> Show me these problems we ignore.
Player>> I can do that.
Player>> Let's start with the gil sellers.
[GM]Dave>> We have gil sellers?
[GM]Dave>> When did that happen?
Player>> They've always been there.
[GM]Dave>> I'm shocked.
[GM]Dave>> I've never heard of this.
[GM]Dave>> That's so wrong.
Player>> Oh, they're all over the place.
[GM]Dave>> We should really do something about this.
Player>> You should ban them.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, totally.
[GM]Dave>> You just point them out.
So, we spend a few hours tracking down random gil sellers and banning them.
Then, he starts to slow down a bit.
[GM]Dave>> Where to now?
Player>> Uhh...
Player>> This is starting to get old.
Player>> What about MPKers?
[GM]Dave>> Who in the what now?
Player>> MPKers.
Player>> People who kill other players using monsters.
[GM]Dave>> ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
[GM]Dave>> We so need to ban those guys.
Player>> Okay. Cool.
So, we spend another couple of hours tracking down MPKers.
Ban, ban, ban.
I gotta say, I'm having fun. Unfortunately, my companion is starting to slow down again.
Player>> Damn, this is taking a while.
[GM]Dave>> We can't stop now.
[GM]Dave>> I'm finally making a difference.
Player>> I need to take a break.
[GM]Dave>> But I will be lost without your guidance.
[GM]Dave>> What will I do?
Player>> Just find people breaking the rules and ban them.
[GM]Dave>> So anyone who breaks a rule gets banned?
[GM]Dave>> Any rule at all?
Player>> Yeah.
Player>> If they broke a rule, they deserve it.
[GM]Dave>> I understand.
[GM]Dave>> Thank you.
[GM]Dave>> I feel bad that I have to delete your account.
Player>> WHAT?!
Player>> WHAT FOR?!
[GM]Dave>> Technically...
[GM]Dave>> This call doesn't qualify as an emergency.
[GM]Dave>> You broke a rule.
Player>> And you're going to ban me FOR THAT?!
[GM]Dave>> Well, I wouldn't want people to think I'm useless.
[GM]Dave>> Cheating is cheating.
Player>> BUT I HELPED YOU!
[GM]Dave>> Yeah...
[GM]Dave>> Thanks again.
I like to think I made a difference in that boy's life today.
Hopefully tomorrow, he'll be less retarded.
Quote:
Okay, I've got to get this out. This has been pissing me off since I started playing this game.
Hell, it's bothered me since the beginning of the intarweb.
What the hell is with the emo names?
Yes, yes. You picture yourself as some dark, mysterious avenger.
I'm sure your mom thinks you are very cool.
But you know what? Calling yourself Darktalonnightblack or what the hell ever doesn't make you dark and mysterious.
It makes you retarded.
Honestly, I can't even begin to count the sheer number of emo names that I see on a daily basis.
What must go through people's heads as they're looking at the character creation screen?
Emotard>> Hmmm... I need to choose a name.
Emotard>> Should I be creative?
Emotard>> Wait... maybe I can just jumble together a bunch of words.
Emotard>> Words like dark and scary.
Emotard>> That's a great idea.
I want everyone to do me a big favor.
Are you ready?
Log on to your account and go to the character selection screen.
If any of your characters have a retardedly emo name, I want you to delete that character.
That includes any name that includes the words Dark or Talon.
Or Night.
Also, if your name is some pathetic attempt to seem intellectual or poetic, feel free to delete those, too.
This would include names like Deathembodied, Eternaldarkness, Nightshadow.
No, no. Don't bother transfering any items before you delete them. They are forever tainted by your idiocy.
I get that this is a fantasy game. I understand that.
How about fantasizing something less annoying?
Today, I was running through South San d'Oria on my main character. You know, minding my own business.
Suddenly, a player runs by me named (and I'm not making this up) Darkravenwing.
Yes.
Dark.
Raven.
Wing.
Words fail me.
I sat there for a moment, trying to comprehend the sheer emoness of that name. It was like it went beyond the normal realm of stupidity and folded in upon itself to create a singularity of retardedness.
Once my fragile, human brain was able to come to terms with this extradimensional level of stupid, I saw that I had no choice.
Something had to be done.
I quickly logged out and then logged back in under my GM account.
[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I'm afraid someone has reported your name.
Darkravenwing>> What do you mean?
Darkravenwing>> My name is not offensive.
[GM]Dave>> Well...
[GM]Dave>> That's a matter of opinion.
[GM]Dave>> Your name violates code 4.5.113.
Darkravenwing>> I don't understand.
Darkravenwing>> What code is that?
[GM]Dave>> Hold on a sec...
[GM]Dave>> Got to grab my manual.
[GM]Dave>> Hmmm... 4.5.113...
[GM]Dave>> Oh, here it is.
[GM]Dave>> Rules concerning rampant stupidity.
Darkravenwing>> Wait...
Darkravenwing>> I still don't understand.
[GM]Dave>> Somehow, I'm not surprised.
[GM]Dave>> Let me put it in layman's terms.
[GM]Dave>> Your.
[GM]Dave>> Name.
[GM]Dave>> Is.
[GM]Dave>> Retarded.
Darkravenwing>> Someone reported my name for being stupid?
[GM]Dave>> I think they actually said gundam-emo-tarded.
Darkravenwing>> That's ridiculous.
[GM]Dave>> Hey!
[GM]Dave>> I worked really hard on that.
Darkravenwing>> You reported me?
[GM]Dave>> Someone had to.
[GM]Dave>> Your name is a crime against intelligence.
Darkravenwing>> There's nothing wrong with my name.
Darkravenwing>> I want to appeal your report.
[GM]Dave>> Hold on.
[GM]Dave>> I'll run this by the appeals committee.
*dramatic pause*
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave>> The committee denied your appeal.
Darkravenwing>> That was fast.
[GM]Dave>> Not really.
[GM]Dave>> I usually agree with myself pretty quickly.
Darkravenwing>> Wait, wait, wait...
Darkravenwing>> You're the appeals committee?
[GM]Dave>> Didn't I mention that?
[GM]Dave>> It really speeds up the process.
Darkravenwing>> There has to be something else.
Darkravenwing>> Is there a judge or someone I can talk to?
[GM]Dave>> Of course there is.
Darkravenwing>> ...
Darkravenwing>> That's you, too, isn't it?
[GM]Dave>> Yeah.
Darkravenwing>> Don't I have the right to a fair trial or something?
[GM]Dave>> What a silly rule.
[GM]Dave>> Fair trial...
[GM]Dave>> What kind of justice system would use fair trials?
Darkravenwing>> But how does an player prove their innocence?
[GM]Dave>> Well... We run a series of tests.
[GM]Dave>> That usually clears up the problem.
Darkravenwing>> What's the first test?
[GM]Dave>> We ban you.
[GM]Dave>> If the problem stops, it is obvious you are guilty.
Darkravenwing>> How does that prove a player innocent?
[GM]Dave>> You know... That's never come up.
Darkravenwing>> This is insane.
Darkravenwing>> I'M INNOCENT.
[GM]Dave>> I believe you.
[GM]Dave>> But I'm afraid the judge wants to make an example.
Darkravenwing>> But you're the judge!
[GM]Dave>> Yeah...
[GM]Dave>> Tough call.
Darkravenwing>> There must be someone else I can talk to.
Darkravenwing>> Anyone else.
[GM]Dave>> Well...
[GM]Dave>> There is the complaints manager.
*GLEE*
Darkravenwing>> Excellent.
Darkravenwing>> Can I speak with him please?
[GM]Dave>> Let me see if he's free.
*warp*
Darkravenwing>> What's going on?
Jormungand hits Darkravenwing for 15,994 points of damage.
Darkravenwing was defeated by Jormungand.
Darkravenwing falls to level 48.
[GM]Dave>> I love the justice system.
Listen. There's really no excuse for a stupid name.
If you can't come up with something creative and non-emo, just mash your hand on the keyboard.
Trust me. Even a jumble of random letters will look less retarded
Quote:
It's time to make a very important clarification. This is something that seems to be deeply misunderstood among the FFXI community.
I'm going to try and be as clear as possible.
We really appreciate the feedback we get from most players. Your comments and suggestions are not only interesting, they help us make the game better for everyone.
This is good.
Unfortunately, you'll notice I had to say most players. This is an important nuance.
See, we get quite a bit of good feedback from players. But mixed in with the good and helpful suggestions is a dark undercurrent of rampant idiocy.
We enjoy hearing from players. Just as long as you're not absolutely retarded.
You cannot comprehend how stupid some of the suggestions are.
Now, my own personal favourite (read: exact polar opposite of favourite) of the stupid suggestions is the request to add Vampires as a new race.
Oh.
Dear.
Lord.
I'm sorry. I know you saw Interview With A Vampire. I'm sure you've read every Anne Rice novel.
I'm sure you even imagine what it would be like to be a vampire.
That doesn't make you retarded.
No, no, no.
That makes you retarded with too much time on your hands.
Listen. If you want to wear black clothes and paint your nails black and sit in your basement calling yourself Lord Darkness, that's fine.
That's your damned problem.
But when you step into my world and then tell me we should have vampires in the game, that becomes my problem.
I don't like problems.
It's bad enough I have to listen to you whine to your emo-vampire friends while you sit in the mall food court drinking an Orange Julius.
Don't bring that shit in here.
Day after day after day, we get calls and e-mails suggesting stupid crap like that. Today, I decided that something had to be done for the good of the community.
Okay... I just got sick of that bullshit.
GM Call Description: Player Suggestion- Make vampires a playable race
First off, the GM call command is not a suggestion box.
If your call does not include a serious violation of the ToS or getting stuck behind a table or something, you do not need to make a GM call.
You need a sharp blow to the head.
Second, this is not a suggestion.
This is a justification for murder.
Not that I've ever needed a justification.
But today, today someone was going to pay.
[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Did Blockbuster run out of copies of Underworld?
Player>> No.
Player>> I own that movie anyway.
[GM]Dave>> Of course you do.
Player>> I wanted to make a suggestion.
Player>> We should be able to play as vampires.
[GM]Dave>> Let's try a little experiment, shall we?
[GM]Dave>> Open your menu.
Player>> Okay... Done.
[GM]Dave>> Scroll down to Help Desk.
Player>> Okay.
[GM]Dave>> Now, navigate to the GM call screen.
Player>> ... I'm there.
[GM]Dave>> Are you looking at the GM call screen?
Player>> Yeah.
Player>> I'm looking at it right now.
[GM]Dave>> That's good.
[GM]Dave>> Now, find the part where it says suggestions.
Player>> ...
Player>> ... Uhh...
Player>> I can't find it.
[GM]Dave>> That's weird.
[GM]Dave>> Neither can I.
Player>> It's not there.
[GM]Dave>> Huh...
[GM]Dave>> And what would that lead you to believe?
Player>> That you shouldn't send a GM call for a suggestion.
[GM]Dave>> There we go.
Player>> Unless it's important.
[GM]Dave>> OH!
[GM]Dave>> So close.
[GM]Dave>> Anyway, let's move on to your "suggestion".
Player>> Vampire should be a playable race.
Player>> It would make the game much better.
[GM]Dave>> I must assume english is not your first language.
[GM]Dave>> You confused the word better with the word dumber.
Player>> But vampires are so cool.
[GM]Dave>> So are strippers.
[GM]Dave>> But I doubt we'll make them a playable race, either.
[GM]Dave>> Hold on a second...
[GM]Dave>> I need to write that down somewhere.
Player>> It would add new dimensions to the game.
[GM]Dave>> I know, I know.
[GM]Dave>> But we'd have to add dollar bills as items.
Player>> Vampires.
Player>> Not strippers.
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave>> I was busy not listening to you.
Player>> You should take this seriously.
[GM]Dave>> I'm really trying.
[GM]Dave>> It's difficult.
Player>> This is a good idea.
[GM]Dave>> Maybe you should work on the idea some more.
[GM]Dave>> Then you could submit it as a formal proposal.
Player>> I don't really have time to work it out.
Player>> Between work and playing, I don't have much time.
[GM]Dave>> Well... I've got good news and bad news.
Player>> What's the good news?
[GM]Dave>> I think you may have some more free time soon.
Player>> Oh.
Player>> And the bad news?
[GM]Dave>> Do you like dragons?
There is a difference between making a helpful suggestion and rambling about something stupid.
If you can't figure out the difference, there's a very good chance you're not being helpful.
Before you make a suggestion, you should ask yourself two important questions:
1) Is my idea sound and logical?
2) Do I like dragons?
Quote:
It seems that this is becoming a spontaneous theme week.
I didn't wake up one morning and say "Hey, I think I'll do an Emo week or something." Apparently, the emo community has taken time away from dying their hair black and listening to bad music, to come out and piss me off.
Yay me.
Tonight's installment relates to one of the most heinous crimes that a player can perpetrate. It transcends such petty annoyances as MPKing, gil selling, or third party software.
It is the emo emote.
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNN
I mean, what the hell is wrong with people?
The emote command was designed to add a new level of exposition to interpersonal communication. It was intended to convey emotions (hence the name) without dialogue.
It was NOT designed so that you can ramble on about how dark your whatever is or how your soul aches yada yada yada.
Seriously. FFXI is not the place for your emo stupidity.
That's what MySpace is for.
Do you have any idea how irritating it is to party next to someone using retarded emotes?
Do you?
Today, I was leveling one of my lower level jobs on my main and I was in a party just outside Dulkfutt's Tower in Qufim.
Everything was going smoothly until one of our melees had to leave. Something about having to go get his insulin or something.
Some people.
We quickly pick up a replacement and get back to work.
And then the emotes started.
Player looks up at the sky and shields his eyes.
Player shakes the blood from the blade.
Player>> Prepare to taste cold steel, Clipper.
Player raises his scythe in the air, watching it glint in the sun.
I think I actually blacked out there for a second. The depth of retardation actually caused my brain to reboot.
Once I had regained my senses, I quickly sent a tell to the party leader and then logged out.
A couple of key presses later and [GM]Dave appears in Qufim.
[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I'm afraid I have to ask you to stop.
Player>> Stop what?
[GM]Dave>> The emotes.
[GM]Dave>> Your damned emotes are a crime.
[GM]Dave>> A crime against intelligence.
Player>> That's not fair.
Player>> I think they're cool.
[GM]Dave>> Just listening to you gave me a brain tumor.
[GM]Dave>> Now, I don't want to jump to any conclusions.
[GM]Dave>> But your emotes cause cancer.
Player>> Hey!
Player>> That's kind of harsh.
[GM]Dave>> Only kind of?
[GM]Dave>> I must not be being clear.
[GM]Dave>> Your emotes make people not want to be alive anymore.
Player>> It's a free country.
[GM]Dave>> Tsk, tsk, tsk.
[GM]Dave>> What are the schools teaching young people?
[GM]Dave>> This is not a free country.
Player>> Yes, it is.
Player>> America is a democracy.
[GM]Dave>> Silly, silly boy.
[GM]Dave>> This isn't America.
[GM]Dave>> Welcome to the United States of Dave.
[GM]Dave>> We put the fun in dictatorship.
Player>> There's no fun in dictatorship.
[GM]Dave>> You catch on quick.
Player>> Listen.
Player>> It's my emote.
Player>> I'll use it if I want to.
[GM]Dave>> Isn't that cute?
[GM]Dave>> I love it when they try and get tough.
[GM]Dave>> Say it again.
Player>> It's my emote.
Player>> I'll...
*warp*
Area: Mordion Gaol
Player>> ...
Player>> Oh crap.
[GM]Dave raises his finger in the air.
[GM]Dave holds it, carefully, above the delete key.
Player>> Wait, wait.
Player>> I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave watches his hand descend.
Player>> Please don't do this.
[GM]Dave>> The day's end is at hand.
[GM]Dave>> And by "The day", I mean "Your account".
[GM]Dave>> And by "End", I mean "Banning."
[GM]Dave>> And by "At hand", I mean...
[GM]Dave>> Well... That was what I meant.
[GM]Dave's finger waivers, a life hanging in the balance.
Player>> Can't you give me a second chance?
[GM]Dave>> I could.
[GM]Dave>> But this finger is getting awfully heavy.
[GM]Dave inhales oxygen.
Player>> Oh come on.
[GM]Dave thinks you're ugly.
Player>> Quit it.
[GM]Dave may have slept with your mother.
Player>> This is crazy.
Player>> You can't do this.
[GM]Dave's finger drops like the blade of a guillotine.
Player>> NOOOOOOO!
[GM]Dave was only kidding that time.
[GM]Dave got you.
[GM]Dave points at you and laughs.
Player>> Stop that.
Player>> At least you were only kidding.
[GM]Dave didn't say he was only kidding.
Player>> Yes, you did.
[GM]Dave said he was only kidding that time.
Player>> Damn.
[GM]Dave likes dashing people's hopes.
After that, the party was much quieter.
I like quiet
Quote:
Okay, I don't even know how to preface this update.
Usually, I throw in a long piece about how such and such a thing is annoying/emo/stupid and how people should be suspended/banned/murdered.
I then go on to relate a recent example that relates to that thing.
But today, I had the most random GM call ever.
GM Call Description: Event problem. Player harassment.
See, now this seemed like my average GM call.
"Boo hoo, someone iz botherin mee."
And I don't really see how someone could be harassed because of the event. I mean, it's just some running around and goldfish scooping.
It looked like some dragon-related violence and a deluxe package were in order.
I logged in all ready to go. Had my dragon macro warmed up and everything.
That's when my brain got broked.
[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> You seem to be having a problem with the event.
Player>> Yes.
Player>> Other players are harassing me.
[GM]Dave>> Are they interfering with your event quest?
Player>> No, nothing like that.
[GM]Dave>> Are they verbally harassing you?
[GM]Dave>> I could check the logs.
Player>> Not exactly.
[GM]Dave>> Can I buy a freakin' vowel or something?
[GM]Dave>> I have no idea what you want.
Player>> Other players are bothering me non-stop.
Player>> It's making it hard to play.
[GM]Dave>> Just blist the players and move on.
[GM]Dave>> Christ, don't you people read the manual?
Player>> It's not that simple.
Player>> It's always different people.
[GM]Dave>> Why the hell are different people harassing you?
[GM]Dave>> Are you playing a Mithra?
[GM]Dave>> That shit is pretty standard.
Player>> No, I'm a Taru.
[GM]Dave>> Wait...
[GM]Dave>> What does this have to do with the event?
Player>> That's how they're harassing me.
Player>> They keep trying to scoop me.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry. What?
Player>> People keep coming up to me doing a scoop emote.
Player>> Then they say "Mystery box! Mystery box!"
Player>> I had to log in on my mule just to send the GM call.
[GM]Dave>> Why in the hell are they doing that?
Player>> Well...
Player>> My main character's name is Goldfish...
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> I need to go lie down now.
What in the hell am I supposed to do there?
I decided that the best place to find an answer is at the bottom of a bottle of Jack Daniel's.
Apparently, the answer is drunk.
Quote:
Ahem.
This is a public service announcement. Please pay very close attention.
FFXI is an MMORPG. Do you know what MMORPG stands for?
Why are you actually answering me? You're reading this on a computer screen and I can't possibly hear you.
Some people.
Anyway, MMORPG stand for Massively Multiplayer Online RolePlaying Game.
Now, I want everyone to look very closely at the second word there.
Multiplayer.
As basic an idea as this is, you'd be surprised how many people do not understand this concept.
The difficult part to understand seems to be that not everyone is trying to help you with your game. Some of them (read: most of them) actually want to do much better than you and may (read: will) step on you to get ahead.
Yes, yes. I know, I know. When you play on your Playstation by yourself all the other characters help you.
Well... Except that bitch Yuffie. That shit was just wrong.
Now, you step into this big online world and nobody wants to help you. Hell, half of them are probably getting in your way.
This is normal.
This is not an emergency.
This is certainly not a good reason to make a GM call.
Those other people don't have to help you out. They don't. It doesn't matter if what they're doing makes your life harder, as long as they don't kill you, it's fine.
But still, everyday I get the most assinine calls from people who try to report someone for ruining a quest or taking an item or something equally stupid.
Not an emergency.
Let me give you an example. There's a monster in the game called Overgrown Rose. This monster drops a very nice ring called Vilma's Ring. Unfortunately, the drop rate is not very good.
This is bad.
If this monster is left alone for a long enough time, it will change into a different monster called Rose Garden. This monster also drops the Vilma's Ring, but the drop rate is 100%.
This is good.
Sadly, it can take several hours for this change to occur and your chances of no one else touching Overgrown Rose in that time are practically zero.
This is bad.
So, each day, I get at least one call from some idiot who wants the Vilma's Ring, but people keep killing his Overgrown Rose before it can change.
This is very bad.
This person then feels it is somehow my problem and that the other person should be banned.
This is retarded.
Just this afternoon, I was in the middle of an amazing crafting session when I got the daily call.
GM Call Description: Other player stole my Overgrown Rose. Help.
It seems Fate decided to step in at this exact second.
Critical crafting failure. All materials lost. Millions down the drain.
[GM]Dave needed to release some tension.
*cue ominous music*
[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Apparently, you're having trouble with a flower.
[GM]Dave>> That's no reason to feel less like a man.
Player>> I don't feel less like a man.
[GM]Dave>> Really?
[GM]Dave>> Not at all?
[GM]Dave>> Cause that is pretty pathetic.
Player>> I'm trying to get him to change into Rose Garden.
Player>> But people keep killing him.
[GM]Dave>> Uh huh. Let me write this down.
[GM]Dave>> People are killing a monster.
[GM]Dave>> In an RPG.
[GM]Dave>> An RPG where you kill monsters.
[GM]Dave>> Those bastards.
Player>> This is serious.
Player>> I asked them not to kill him, but they don't listen.
Player>> They're basically stealing.
[GM]Dave>> Why did you say "basically" there?
Player>> What do you mean?
[GM]Dave>> The word "basically".
[GM]Dave>> Why did you have to say it?
Player>> Well... Because they're not really stealing.
[GM]Dave>> Exactly.
[GM]Dave>> And if they didn't steal it, this is not an...
Player>> Emergency?
[GM]Dave>> Two for two.
[GM]Dave>> I'm starting to think you're not a complete idiot.
Player>> But it's wrong for them to take it.
Player>> It was my Rose.
[GM]Dave>> Spoke too soon.
[GM]Dave>> It's not your Rose.
[GM]Dave>> Not.
[GM]Dave>> And you can't expect people to leave it alone.
[GM]Dave>> No matter how many times you say pretty please.
Player>> This is bullshit!
Player>> You need to do something!
[GM]Dave>> I'm way ahead of you.
*warp*
Player>> I meant do something to them.
[GM]Dave>> This will be a lesson on being more clear when you speak.
Player>> You can't suspend me for this.
Player>> I'll sue.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, I'm not going to suspend you.
[GM]Dave>> I'm not even going to ban you.
Player>> Really?
Player>> Then what am I doing here?
[GM]Dave>> We're going to play a little game.
[GM]Dave>> Are you ready?
Player>> Ready.
This is when I spawned monsters into Mordion Gaol. Hundreds of them, all surrounding him.
Did I spawn a bunch of angry dragons?
No.
Maybe some ferocious HNMs?
Nope.
Instead, I spawned every low level NM in the game. Leaping Lizzy, Jaggedy-Eared Jack, Argus, Mee Deggi, Hoo Mjuu.
They were all there.
Millions upon millions upon millions worth of items standing right in front of him.
Player>> HOLY SHIT!!!
[GM]Dave>> Are you ready to hear the rules?
Player>> Sure!
[GM]Dave>> You have to stay in here for 24 hours straight.
[GM]Dave>> No logging out.
[GM]Dave>> And no going AFK. I'll be checking.
Player>> I can do that. Easy.
Player>> It'll take me that long to kill them all.
[GM]Dave>> That brings us to rule number two.
[GM]Dave>> Please don't kill any of them.
Player>> ...
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> If you touch even one of them, you get banned.
[GM]Dave>> That includes magic, attacks, anything.
[GM]Dave>> Banned.
Player>> ...
Player>> Are you kidding?
Player>> I can't kill any of them?
[GM]Dave>> Nope.
[GM]Dave>> I asked you not to, remember?
Player>> This is cruel.
[GM]Dave>> I know.
Can you imagine being surrounded by some of the most sought after NMs in the game...
And not being allowed to touch them?
I'm pretty sure he went insane after about fifteen minutes.
Still, I did ask him nicely.
Quote:
The past few days have been an absolute nightmare at work.
It seems that there has been some form of network issue that brought the entire GM call system crashing to its knees.
We could still log into our GM characters as normal, but we couldn't receive any GM calls.
You can't imagine how terrible it has been.
Ha.
HAHA.
BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
Man, the past few days have been a blast.
Imagine someone gave you near limitless power in the game, but you had to pay the terrible price of having to deal with retards.
Now, imagine you suddenly didn't have to deal with anyone.
Beautiful, isn't it?
Our supervisors came in, their brows furrowed in concern. They explained the situation in quiet, stressed tones and then quickly left the room.
You'd have thought it was New Year's Eve in Time Square. People were screaming and throwing papers. Everywhere there was merriment.
I think there was a pinata. I don't know why someone would have had a pinata on stand-by for just such an occasion, but candy's candy.
Then someone came up with an idea.
No, it was more than an idea.
It was an epiphany.
We all logged into one server and ran a GM-only Dynamis-Xarcabard.
It was insane. Mobs that could have wiped entire alliances of regular players were getting one-shotted. I personally handed the Dynamis Lord his ass.
We must have farmed up a few thousand in ancient currency and I don't even know how many pieces of AFB gear.
And then, do you know what we did with all of the items?
We threw them away.
Four people just died reading that sentence. They had a heart attack and died.
I have to admit, I had a lot of fun hanging out with the other GMs. As much as I hate other people, they are the least "people" group that I've ever met.
Unfortunately, we forgot to invite some of the tech guys. They actually went to work and got the system working again.
BOO! HISS!
It's cool, though. We made plans to play a huge game of hide-and-seek next time this happens.
Which should be pretty soon.
At least, if me and this electromagnet have anything to say about it.
Quote:
In my role as a GM, I am gifted with near infinite power.
I am practically a god.
This, however, does not mean that I am no still human. I am still a person.
A person with no conscience or human emotion, but a person nonetheless.
Occasionally during my time in the red armor, I am confronted with a situation that creates conflict between my god-like wrath for everything stupid and my all too human sympathy.
[GM]Dave has many layers.
Most of these situations revolve around my friends. I mean, what's the point of having limitless power if you can't use it to help out your friends?
And I rarely charge them.
But you cannot begin to imagine the inner turmoil I face when one of my friends does something stupid.
A few days ago, I was just hanging out in my LS when a friend of mine, Stormfeather, inadvertedly attracted my attention.
Stormfeather>> Oh crap...
Stormfeather>> How do you get out of Gusgen Mines?
[GM]Dave>> What do you mean?
Stormfeather>> I went through a door.
Stormfeather>> Now, I'm stuck.
[GM]Dave>> Which door did you go through?
Stormfeather>> I don't know.
Stormfeather>> The one that was open.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> I think I just died a little.
Stormfeather>> Oh shut up.
Stormfeather>> I'm lost.
[GM]Dave>> Did it not occur to you to just go back?
Stormfeather>> ...
Stormfeather>> Oh...
Stormfeather>> That could work.
At this point, I'm starting to get annoyed.
But Storm is a friend, so I give her the benefit of the doubt.
Stormfeather>> What the hell?!
[GM]Dave>> What's wrong now?
Stormfeather>> The door I came though...
Stormfeather>> It's closed.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah. They do that.
Stormfeather>> But I don't know how to get out.
Stormfeather>> I'm stuck.
[GM]Dave>> You're not stuck.
[GM]Dave>> You just have to wait for someone to open the door.
Stormfeather>> I'm going to make a GM call.
Stormfeather>> They can get me unstuck.
[GM]Dave>> No.
[GM]Dave>> They really won't.
Stormfeather>> Yes, they will.
Stormfeather>> It says GM calls are for when you're stuck.
Stormfeather>> I'm stuck.
[GM]Dave>> You're not stuck.
[GM]Dave>> You're behind a closed door.
[GM]Dave>> Hell, they open on their own at 2:00.
Stormfeather>> That's like 15 minutes from now.
Stormfeather>> I'm just going to make the GM call.
[GM]Dave>> You really shouldn't do that.
*Ding*
Why doesn't anyone listen to me?
Let's see what she wrote.
GM Call Description: Stuck in Gusgen Mines.
How eloquent.
At least I'm already logged in.
[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Apparently, you don't hear so good.
Stormfeather>> Hey, Dave.
Stormfeather>> I'm stuck.
Stormfeather>> Use your GM-ish powers to get me out.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Do you suffer from short-term memory loss?
[GM]Dave>> I just told you. You're not stuck.
Stormfeather>> Could we hurry this up?
Stormfeather>> I have Garrison soon.
[GM]Dave>> I'm not warping you out of there.
[GM]Dave>> You're not stuck.
Stormfeather>> Then could you at least open the door?
[GM]Dave>> No.
Stormfeather>> C'mon.
[GM]Dave>> Well, damn.
[GM]Dave>> How do I argue with that?
[GM]Dave>> Your debating skills are unrivaled.
Stormfeather>> Just open the damned door.
Here is where I am faced with a tough decision.
Should I open the door for a friend or should I feed her to a nice, big, purple dragon?
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Be right there.
I must admit, it was hard to fit Jormy into Gusgen Mines.
Still, the look on Storm's face when she ran right into his mouth... Priceless.
I decided to leave her there dead as a lesson. Maybe now she won't make stupid GM calls.
And at least I didn't have to ban her. I'd hate to lose a friend over something so silly.
*DING*
Oh Christ.
GM Call Description: Want to report abuse by GM.
That's okay.
I've got lots of friends.
Quote:
I'd just like to send a major shout out to the GMs over at Blizzard. I realize we play different games, but you guys are cool in my book.
As many of you may already know, the WoW GMs have started suspending people for making stupid forum posts, particularly those pertaining to the addition of new realms (ie. servers).
I applaud you.
Up to this point, I have been forced to limit my special brand of "customer service" to the game itself or mailing the occasional incendiary device. You guys have gone above and beyond, making players responsible for stupidity outside of the game.
That shit is brilliant.
I mean, it's not as direct as an explosive arriving via mail, but there's a certain finesse to it that I appreciate.
If WoW were not an immensely inferior product, I might even consider playing it.
Just kidding, guys.
I'd never play WoW.
Anyway, this new initiative inspired me to be more proactive in my efforts to stem the tide of idiocy that runs rampant through our (better) game. It's time for [GM]Dave to go out and find the unwashed and uneducated masses.
Up until now, I had always considered forums as being separate entities to the game. Finally, I see that they can be so much more.
Preemptive strike, bitches.
See, there's abeen a certain type of forum post that's always annoyed the hell out of me. I don't know what causes people to post such a retarded question, but it keeps coming up over and over and over again.
And over.
It's the "Why don't they make a server for _________ only?" where you fill in the blank with the group of your choosing.
Let's look at a few of these in detail, shall we?
Why don't they make a server for English people only?
Because we hate you.
Why don't they make a server for Japanese people only?
Well... Japanese people don't like you either and it makes them giggle when we treat you poorly.
Seriously, do you think we're made of servers? Those bastards are really freakin' expensive. We can't just go out and pick up a couple more at lunch just because you asked us to.
I can just imagine that now.
[GM]Dave>> Uh oh, sir.
[GM]Dave>> They're asking for another server?
Supervisor>> What for?
[GM]Dave>> They want a roleplaying-only server.
Supervisor>> It's a roleplaying game.
Supervisor>> They're all roleplaying servers.
[GM]Dave>> But, sir, you don't understand the gravity of the situation.
[GM]Dave>> They're making FORUM POSTS!
Supervisor>> Oh Christ.
Supervisor>> We'd better go to Best Buy right away.
I know, I know. It's just so hard for you to interact with people from groups outside your own.
Hell, you might even have to learn something about them.
Ugghh. It's unimaginable.
Today, inspired by my brothers and sisters over at WoW, I decided to take the first step. Why wait for them to make a GM call when you can take them by surprise?
Luckily, the first person to make yet another one of these moronic posts was kind enough to include his character information.
Fish... Check.
Barrel... Check.
Gun... Check.
[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you'd like to donate a server.
Player>> Wait...
Player>> Me?!
[GM]Dave>> Yes, you.
[GM]Dave>> We all just read your forum post about needing an English only server.
[GM]Dave>> I'm sure the rest of the community will thank you.
[GM]Dave>> Now, how would you like to pay for that server?
Player>> I didn't offer to buy a server.
Player>> I was saying we need it and that you guys should buy more
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> What kind of sick joke is this?
[GM]Dave>> You dangle a new server in front of us and then yank it away?
[GM]Dave>> You disgust me.
Player>> I never said I'd pay for the server.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, so we're just supposed to give you a server?
[GM]Dave>> Out of the kindness of our hearts?
Player>> It would be better for everyone.
[GM]Dave>> No.
[GM]Dave>> It'd be better for you.
Player>> Come on.
Player>> Everyone would benefit from an English only server.
[GM]Dave>> Holy crap! You've convinced me!
[GM]Dave>> I cannot stand against such a logical argument.
Player>> You could at least try it out?
[GM]Dave>> What do you mean?
Player>> Take a small sampling of the FFXI population.
Player>> And give them an English only server.
[GM]Dave>> Hmmm...
[GM]Dave>> I suppose we could try that.
*warp*
Player>> ...
Player>> Where am I?
[GM]Dave>> I transferred you to a test server.
[GM]Dave>> Congratulations. You're a sample.
Player>> Oh.
Player>> When do the other people get here?
[GM]Dave>> ... Other people?
Seems the English only server idea didn't pan out.
At least... I don't think it did. I kind of just left him on it and went back to crafting.
I'll remember to go check on him later.
Or run a magnet over the server.
Whatever.
Quote:
Attention: Today's update relates to the newly implemented chocobo raising. If you are acting like a normal person, who simply wants to own a chocobo, this does not apply to you.
If, however, you have gone choco-tarded and have placed a GM call tonight, do me a favor and eat your keyboard. You are obviously too retarded to be on the internet.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
This is going to be a very short announcement as I am on the verge of a major killing spree.
SHUT THE F*&% UP ABOUT CHOCOBOS!!!
They've been in the game for years.
Years.
YEARS!
Oh, but now they come in cool new colors. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.
But why stop there?
Why not talking chocobos? Or flying chocobos? Or attack chocobos?
Why even have chocobos at all?
Let's get some Mechs in here with removeable armor and special accessories.
If we work really damned hard, we can turn this into a bad anime cliche in no time.
I know what you're saying.
You >> But [GM]Dave, I can raise my very own chocobo.
You>> That's so awesome.
Congratulations. You're taking time away from battling monsters to raise a Tamagotchi.
Seriously. I weep for society.
I swear to God himself, the next call I get about chocobos and I'm going out to buy an assault rifle.
I hate you people.
Mijn pincode is 4827
mijn pass hier is animeillusion
Quote:
Dammit, dammit, dammit.
Seems some of the higher ups are trying to figure out who I actually am. They've been skulking around the main floor for a while now, trying to catch me.
When that didn't work, they started randomly supervising GM calls to watch for "anomalous behavior".
In case you're not up with the english, that means they were looking for dragon-related violence.
Well, lucky, lucky me. Today was my turn.
Oh.
Joy.
Right away, I was pissed off. It's kind of hard to drink with your supervisor sitting right next to you.
Not impossible, mind you. Just hard.
I knew the whole day was going to suck horribly. No drinking, no crafting, no abusing players...
That was when I was struck by the most heinous, terrifying idea.
I might actually have to HELP a PLAYER.
Just saying it makes me feel dirty.
You never know. Maybe I'll get lucky and no one will make a GM call while he's here.
*DING*
F&#% F&#% F&#%
Okay... Stay Calm. Maybe this will be a worthwhile call.
GM Call Description: Party stole our camp! Help!
...
This isn't happening. This can't be happening. I had a stroke and I'm lying face down somewhere, drooling on myself.
Sigh.
Steeling myself (and bottling up my near limitless rage), I logged in and headed to the player's location.
[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> How are you today?
I thought that was pretty good. I wasn't sarcastic and I avoided calling the player functionally retarded.
That's a big step for me.
Apparently, it wasn't good enough, though. I feel a little tap on my shoulder.
Supervisor>> You're not roleplaying enough.
Supervisor>> You might want to work on that.
Son of a bitch.
[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I pray the light of Altana falls upon you.
I think I'm going to be sick.
Player>> Yeah.
Player>> Whatever.
[GM]Dave>> How can I help you today?
Player>> Another party stole our camp site.
[GM]Dave>> They stole it?
Player>> Yeah.
Player>> They came and camped right next to us.
Player>> They're killing all of our beetles.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry to hear that.
Oh lord. I don't have the strength to get through this.
Must focus. Do not kill the idiots. Do not kill the idiots.
I need to end this call quickly.
[GM]Dave>> I'll look into the matter.
[GM]Dave>> Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Player>> That's it?
Player>> You'll look into it?!
[GM]Dave>> They will be punished if they deserve to be.
Just typing that hurt.
Okay... Say goodbye and end it.
Player>> That's bullshit.
Player>> You need to ban them or something.
[GM]Dave>> I'm afraid it doesn't work that way.
Stay calm. You can murder him later.
And all of his friends.
Player>> IT'S YOUR JOB!!!
And everyone he has ever talked to.
I could actually see my hand hovering shakily over my Jormy macro.
But right now, I need to handle this very carefully.
[GM]Dave>> I apologize for the inconvenience, sir.
[GM]Dave>> The situation will be dealt with.
Player>> Yeah, whatever.
Player>> Later.
[GM]Dave>> Later.
That's when I feel another tap on my shoulder.
Dammit.
[GM]Dave>> I bid you farewell, noble warrior.
There. I did it.
I made it to the end without killing him or anything.
Does anyone know if there's an online application for sainthood?
Supervisor>> That was a good call.
Supervisor>> You handled it fairly well.
Just keep smiling. Don't make eye contact.
Supervisor>> There are a few areas you need to work on.
Supervisor>> You were a little curt.
Don't insert a Bic pen into his trachea.
I manage to muster the self-control required to not commit murder and he still thinks I was kurt.
What does he want from me?!
Supervisor>> You need to find a way to enjoy dealing with adventurers.
Supervisor>> Unfortunately, I have to leave now.
As he walked away, I realized there was a small earthquake going on.
Then I realized that it wasn't an earthquake.
I was literally vibrating with repressed rage.
Someone had to pay.
I spent the next seven hours finding "a way to enjoy dealing with adventurers". This mostly involved dragons and banning.
Trust me when I tell you that I enjoyed "dealing" with the little bastard who made that call.
I think Jormy enjoyed it, too.
Quote:
Many of you have e-mailed me asking how my mother is doing. I'm pleased to report she is doing just fine and is back in the game.
What? How did she return you may ask?
Well... I unbanned her.
Now, before you start to think that I did it because she's my mom, you are very, very wrong.
I banned her in the first place because she was my mom.
No, I reinstated her account for two very good reasons:
1) It was her birthday and I had to choose between unbanning her or actually having to go to the mall and interact with people.
As much as my mom pisses me off, that is so not worth having to talk to the unwashed masses that infest our shopping establishments.
2) My father was going crazy.
Mom was hard enough to live with when she was playing FFXI. Now, she's very angry and has a hell of a lot of time on her hands.
Not a good combination.
So, given these mitigating factors, I decided to give her another chance.
[GM]Dave>> Hey, mom.
Mom>> Mom? Who's that?
Mom>> You can't mean me. I have no children.
[GM]Dave>> Knock it off, Mom.
Mom>> I can't be your mother.
Mom>> No one would ban their own mother.
Mom>> Therefore, you cannot possibly be my son.
[GM]Dave>> Are you going to keep going with this?
[GM]Dave>> It's getting really old.
Mom>> Oh, I'm sorry.
Mom>> I did not mean to bother you. Please forgive me...
Mom>> You soulless monster.
[GM]Dave>> Mom, it's good news.
[GM]Dave>> I'm unbanning you.
Mom>> Well, goody goody gumdrops.
Mom>> That totally makes up for the first two times you banned me.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, stop it.
[GM]Dave>> I had to ban you those times.
[GM]Dave>> You are pure evil.
Mom>> You didn't have to ban me.
Mom>> You wanted to.
Mom>> You enjoyed it.
[GM]Dave>> That's completely unt...
[GM]Dave>> Yeah, I did like it a bit.
Mom>> I knew it.
[GM]Dave>> But I'm here to unban you.
[GM]Dave>> For your birthday.
Mom>> Really?
Mom>> You're really going to do it?
[GM]Dave>> Yes, mom.
Mom>> That's great.
Mom>> This is like the best present ever.
[GM]Dave>> That makes me very sad.
Mom>> You know what I mean.
[GM]Dave>> Listen... Do you want to come back or not?
Mom>> Of course I do.
Mom>> I can't wait.
[GM]Dave>> Let me just clear your account...
[GM]Dave>> And... done.
[GM]Dave>> You're a free woman.
Mom>> This is amazing.
I have to admit, this actually made me smile a bit. She was so happy.
Unfortunately, that's when she got loud.
Mom>> I'M FREE!!!!
Mom>> ABOUT F&#$&ING TIME
[GM]Dave>> Oh, damn.
[GM Dave>> Mom...
Mom>> What?
Mom>> What'd I do that time?
[GM]Dave>> We have very strict rules about swearing.
Mom>> Oh Christ...
[GM]Dave>> Yeah...
[GM]Dave>> I'm afraid we have to ban you again.
Mom>> But I just got back!
Mom>> This is bullshit!
Mom>> I'M YOUR MOTHER!
[GM]Dave>> Sorry.
[GM]Dave>> Justice has no mommy.
I felt a little bad at having to ban her again. And, if I had to guess, I'm pretty sure she wasn't too happy about it either.
Actually, I know she wasn't very happy about it.
About a half hour later, I got a call from my Dad. He didn't say anything.
He just cried into the phone.
Yeah, she's mad.
Quote:
I get a lot of questions about Susan. I mean a lot of questions.
Some of them even pertain to subjects other than our sex life.
Few, but some.
One of the more interesting questions I get asked a lot is if there were any girls before Susan.
Short answer: Yes.
Long Answer: Oh hell yes.
The population of Vana'diel is littered with the empty shells of women who have known my love.
I loved them.
I left them.
In several cases, I banned them.
What? Last thing I need is to be running through Jeuno with a trail of broken-hearted women following me.
See, in each case I made one very important mistake. I spent so much time worrying that they might actually be a guy that I forgot to check for other important things.
Like personality.
Or sanity.
This last one brings me to my first in-game girlfriend, Amanda.
We met in Valkurm. I was an Elvaan Red Mage. She was a Hume Warrior.
Were were in a party together when she sent me a fairly "inappropriate" tell. I'd later find out it was a mistell, but that momentary confusion (coupled with the hot mental imagery) led to us talking.
And talking.
And talking.
She seemed really normal at first. I had, of course, gone through extensive "Is she a he?" testing and she was indeed a girl.
Unfortunately, at the time, that was all I really needed to know.
How naive I was.
We had been in-game dating for a few weeks when she started to act funny.
Not "ha ha" funny.
More like "this bitch is a freaking psychopath" funny.
One day, I was in Lower Jeuno checking on some Auction House sales when she started sending me tells.
Amanda>> Where were you?
What? I didn't remember us having plans to do something.
Maybe she got confused or something.
Amanda>> WHERE WERE YOU?!
Maybe she went insane.
Dave>> I don't know what you're talking about?
Dave>> Where was I when?
Amanda>> You know when.
Dave>> Is this some weird kind of joke?
Amanda>> I SAW YOU WITH HER!!!
Dave>> So not a joke then.
Dave>> Good to know.
Dave>> Who's "her"?
Amanda>> That female elvaan SLUT!!!
Amanda>> She was all over you.
Dave>> Can I buy a vowel or something?
Dave>> I don't have a sweet clue what you're talking about.
Amanda>> Earlier today.
Amanda>> In Qufim.
Amanda>> I was watching you.
Dave>> That's a little scary.
Dave>> Except replace "a little" with "really".
Amanda>> I saw that slut coming onto you.
Amanda>> She was practically on top of you.
Dave>> Who the hell are you talking about?
Amanda>> The female Elvaan bard.
Dave>> ...
Dave>> I was in a party with a bard.
Amanda>> HA!!!
Amanda>> You admit it!
Dave>> Uhhh...
Dave>> Yeah.
Amanda>> So what do you have to say?
Dave>> You're insane?
Amanda>> Insane?
Amanda>> INSANE?!
Amanda>> Is it insane to love someone more than life?
Amanda>> Is it insane to follow them wherever they go?
Amanda>> Is it insane to watch them?
Dave>> Pretty much, yeah.
Dave>> You kind of hit the nail on the head.
Amanda>> Was it worth it?
Dave>> Was what worth what?
Dave>> I think I need a map for this conversation.
Dave>> You obviously don't know where we're going.
Amanda>> You threw away everything we had.
Amanda>> For some cheap bard WHORE!!!
Dave>> I think I'm having an aneurysm.
Amanda>> How could you do this to me?
Amanda>> I would have died for you.
Dave>> Could you die for me now?
Dave>> That would be super.
Amanda>> You'll never meet another girl like me.
Dave>> Let's hope.
Amanda>> You tore out my heart.
Amanda>> YOU TORE IT OUT!!!
Dave>> Darn. Look at the time.
Dave>> It's a quarter past crazy.
Dave>> I really have to run.
Dave>> Let's not do this again sometime.
Amanda>> I sent you something to remember me by.
Amanda>> You took everything else.
Dave>> Good damn, you sound like a Billy Talent song.
Dave>> Maybe it's time we see other people.
Dave>> But by "we" I mean "you".
Dave>> and by "other people" I mean "a psychiatrist".
Amanda>> I'll always love you.
Dave>> Just when I thought it couldn't get creepier.
That was pretty much the end for Amanda and I. I chalk it up to personality differences.
Or her having different personalities.
After we parted, I headed back to my moghouse and checked my delivery box. And there it was.
A Dragon Heart.
I'm sure this was an item full of dark symbolism and important meaning to her.
I decided I should take some time to seriously ponder its meaning.
Also, when it sold an hour later, I made 900,000 gil.
Sigh... You always remember your first love.
Especially whern that love turns out to be a full on psychopath.
Quote:
I received a message from a reader not long ago that really put the blog in perspective for me. If I could take a serious moment, I'd like everyone to read the message just so that you can understand the impact that this blog has had in some people's lives.
Dear [GM]Dave,
Hey, we all know that your blog is pretty awesome, right? But just HOW awesome is it?
Your blog is entertaining enough that my room-mate ignored two (what I think to be) cute girls making out just inches away from him.
*sniffle*
Just reading it brings tears to my eyes.
To imagine that my writing could be so entertaining that you would ignore some hot girl on girl action...
I'm speechless.
Oh wait...
No, I'm not.
What the hell were you thinking?! DEAR LORD!!!!
I realize that people (for some unknown reason) find this blog funny.
I want it to be funny.
But I don't expect you to miss out on something like that.
The blog will still be here later. Hell, just leave the screen on. I promise not to delete any posts.
You go do what you have to do and I'll just wait here.
I'm cool like that.
Seriously, people. You can consider [GM]Dave your official wingman. I will totally back you up when it comes to stuff like that.
You go watch the hot chicks make out. Then we'll have a funny story later.
Hot chicks making out. Then story.
In that order.
Yes, I know that laughter is the best medicine. But watching two girls making out would be a hell of a way to go.
Because of this message, I feel obligated to post a warning to all of my readers:
A Word to My Readers:
Reading Bannable Offenses is a thrilling experience. During your time here, you will be able to read, comment, and laugh at many other individuals in an experience that is unique to my blog.
That being said, I have no desire to see your real life suffer as a consequence. Don't forget your family, your friends, your school, or your work.
Or hot chicks making out.
Quote:
Okay, I know that a party is a great thing. You're all together, fighting monsters for the good of society.
I'm all for that.
And I know it can get a little frustrating when a certain spot is overcamped and your party is slowing down. The exp slows down and maybe you won't hit that level before you have to log out.
That sucks.
But that doesn't mean the parties next to you are doing anything wrong, does it?
No, you're all just after the same goal. Given the limited number of monsters to fight at times, you have to expect this.
Most players do.
Most players don't make GM calls when an area is a little too crowded.
But if it's a Beastmaster that's making it hard for you to pull, suddenly it's a capital offense.
Guys, Beastmasters have to kill things, too. Yeah, I know they have to take an extra mob as a pet most times, but that's just the way it is.
That does not mean they don't have a right to be somewhere.
That does not mean they are cheating.
That does not mean it's okay to MPK them and their whole family.
At least once a week, I get a call from some psychopath that not only KILLED a Beastmaster, but then makes a GM call to report THE BEASTMASTER for cheating.
And then they think I'm going to be on their side.
Words fail me.
I was at work this morning, minding my own business and having a conversation with my good friend Jack, when I heard that sharp, annoying harbinger of stupidity...
*DING*
Yay. A GM call...
You know how I love those.
GM Call Description: Beastmaster cheating. Help.
Quick and to the point. Nice.
Wouldn't want any details getting in the way of the retardation.
Still, I feel it is my duty to make sure that this customer feels appreciated by the GM staff.
And should he get eaten by a dragon...
[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand someone is cheating.
Player>> Yeah, there was a BST here.
Player>> He kept stealing our exp mobs.
[GM]Dave>> How exactly does a BST steal your mobs?
Player>> He kept taking them for pets.
Player>> And then he'd kill the rest.
[GM]Dave>> That's the basic premise of BST.
[GM]Dave>> Actually, that's a pretty good guide there.
[GM]Dave>> Why don't you head over to Alla and write that up?
Player>> But he killed all our exp mobs.
[GM]Dave>> Wow.
[GM]Dave>> Sucks to be you guys.
Player>> But it's not fair.
Player>> He can kill them faster than us.
[GM]Dave>> That's not cheating.
[GM]Dave>> That's you guys sucking.
Player>> But he has a pet to help him.
[GM]Dave>> You have five other people with you.
[GM]Dave>> I swear this is getting more retarded by the second.
[GM]Dave>> There's no problem here.
Player>> Oh, no.
Player>> Not anymore.
[GM]Dave>> Sigh...
[GM]Dave>> Should I even ask?
Player>> We killed all of his pets and watched him die.
Player>> That'll teach him to steal our mobs.
[GM]Dave>> Technically, they're not your mobs.
Player>> Yeah, yeah.
Player>> They belong to anyone.
[GM]Dave>> No.
[GM]Dave>> That's retarded.
[GM]Dave>> They belong to me.
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> And since you admitted to taking my mobs...
[GM]Dave>> I'll just call a GM.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Uh oh. He doesn't seem too happy.
Player>> Can I talk to him please?
[GM]Dave>> No problem.
*warp*
Player>> Why am I in jail?
[GM]Dave>> You wanted to speak to them GM.
Player>> Oh. Yeah.
Player>> Where is he?
[GM]Jormungand hits Player for 23,845 points of damage.
Player was defeated by [GM]Jormungand.
[GM]Dave>> Hmmm...
[GM]Dave>> Tough, but fair.
Beastmasters have to level up, too. Yeah, they may not make it easy for you sometimes, but that's not really their job, now is it?
Remember: I've got a pet, too. And you don't want to see me use the Release pet command.
Play nice, people.
Quote:
GAH!
Okay, this is just getting damned ridiculous. I still don't have internet access at my new place.
You no doubt figured this out from the lack of update yesterday. Also, the aching void in your soul that only my witty writing can assuage.
I really do apologize for the update schedule lately. I've been running from one friend's place to another just to finish the updates that I have been making.
Do you see what I go through for you, my loyal readers?
And poor Susan...
She's right now curled up at home in the fetal position, sucking on her thumb, and mumbling "noconnectionnoconnectionnoconnection".
I went to hook up my brand new modem last night. After all that wait and the annoying delays, I finally held my internet package in my hands.
I was in ecstacy.
That's "in". Not "on".
I ventured into the tangled maze of cables and power bars that lays behind my computer desk, and managed to hook it up.
That was hard. Yellow cord goes to the yellow square on my modem. Blue cord, blue square.
I would have been lost if they hadn't included an installation CD with flash movies showing how to hook it up.
Yes. They actually included a CD.
A retarded monkey could have put this together with minimal effort. Even if he was colorblind, I'm pretty sure he could figure out that the ethernet cable went in the port marked ethernet.
I weep for society that some of our members make this CD necessary.
I can only imagine these cromagnon people trying to use their computer.
TechSupport>> Can I help you?
Customer>> Yes. My computer isn't on.
Customer>> Fix it.
TechSupport>> Okay. You mean it's not turning on?
Customer>> It's not on.
TechSupport>> Yes, sir. Have you tried turning it on?
Customer>> But it's not on right now.
TechSupport>> I gathered.
TechSupport>> Try turning it on.
Customer>> Is there a manual for that?
Customer>> Maybe a CD with pretty pictures?
TechSupport>> We sent you a CD, sir.
Customer>> Yeah, but it didn't work.
TechSupport>> What do you mean?
Customer>> I put it in my car's CD player, but it didn't work.
Customer>> Sounded terrible.
TechSupport>> You need to put the CD in your computer.
Customer>> But it's not on right now.
TechSupport>> *gunshot*
Anyway, I go through the all the trouble of hooking up the modem, but the DSL light doesn't come on.
I check the phoneline. Working.
Check the modem. Working.
Great. So now I had to call Tech Support.
I spend 27 minutes on hold, listening to music that must have been selected by someone who hates music and wants it to die.
On the 28th minute, Brad picks up.
Brad>> Hi, Tech Support.
Brad>> Brad speaking.
Brad>> How can I help you?
Dave>> The DSL light on my modem isn't on.
Dave>> I was wondering if there was a problem.
Brad>> Let me just look up your account.
*another 5 minute wait*
Brad>> Okay, your DSL isn't on.
Dave>> ...
Dave>> I figured that out.
Dave>> The DSL light indicates if the DSL is on.
Dave>> The light was not on.
Dave>> I managed to figure out the DSL was not on.
Dave>> My question is why isn't it on?
Brad>> The light isn't on because the DSL isn't on.
Dave>> ...
Dave>> Not the light, Brad. I know why the light isn't on.
Dave>> Why isn't my DSL on?
Brad>> Oh...
Brad>> Let me check...
*yet another wait*
Brad>> Ah...
Brad>> Seems there's a problem.
Dave>> Let me guess.
Dave>> A problem with my DSL.
Brad>> Exactly.
Dave>> I'm shocked.
Dave>> What problem?
Brad>> They haven't turned it on yet.
Dave>> Who is "they"?
Brad>> Sales.
Brad>> Sales has to sign off on the order.
Dave>> You mean Sales who I called to set it up?
Brad>> Yeah.
Dave>> Sales who mailed me a modem?
Brad>> Yeah.
Dave>> And they didn't turn it on?
Brad>> I guess not.
Dave>> Any reason why?
Brad>> Oh, you'd have to call Sales for that.
Dave>> And, just taking a shot in the dark...
Dave>> Sales is closed right now.
Brad>> Yeah.
Brad>> But you can call tomorrow.
Dave>> I'm giddy with anticipation.
So, this morning, I get up and call Sales.
I tell Sales my problem.
Sales tells me that they don't handle orders like that.
That's a Tech Support job.
I should have called Tech Support.
I tell them I did call Tech Support.
They are mystified.
They suggest I call Tech Support again.
I die a little inside.
I call Tech Support.
Brad>> Hi, Tech Support.
Brad>> Brad speaking.
Brad>> How can I help you?
Dave>> Honestly...
Dave>> I doubt you can.
Brad>> What's the problem?
Dave>> I called you last night.
Dave>> My DSL light wasn't on.
Dave>> You told me to call Sales.
Dave>> Sales says you're retarded.
Brad>> Your DSL light isn't on?
Dave>> No.
Brad>> That's definitely a Tech Support issue.
Dave>> That's why I called you the first time.
Brad>> I don't know why they would tell you to call Sales.
Brad>> Do you know who you were speaking to?
Dave>> Yes.
Dave>> You.
Brad>> Oh...
Brad>> That's weird.
Dave>> Getting weirder by the second.
Brad>> Let me check your account.
*10 minute wait*
Brad>> Yeah, your DSL isn't on.
Dave>> ...
Dave>> Hey! You're right!
Dave>> Maybe we should fix that.
Brad>> No problem.
Brad>> Unfortunately, Sales hasn't signed off on this yet.
Brad>> So, they haven't turned your DSL on yet.
Dave>> I'd call that a problem.
Brad>> Yeah, you need to call Sales.
Dave>> No, Brad.
Dave>> You're going to call Sales.
Dave>> You're going to get them to fix this.
Dave>> I'm going to get home and find my DSL light on.
Dave>> Or you will have a DSL modem lodged inside you.
Brad>> Let me make a call.
Dave>> I thought you might.
Brad>> Thank you for calling, sir.
Dave>> It's been the exact opposite of a pleasure.
Brad>> And remember, if you have more problems...
Brad>> You can visit our website for assistance.
I swear that the above is entirely true. Almost word for word.
Even the part where he reminded me that I can get internet assistance on their website.
Assistance for when my internet isn't working.
On their website.
My brain hurts.
Note: I am well aware of the irony of me getting terrible customer service. I even pointed it out in the title. You'd have to be a jackass to point out the irony.
So, don't.
Jackass.
Quote:
Now, I want to make sure that you all understand this. I am going to try and be very clear so that everyone can comprehend what I am saying.
*ahem*
It is not, I repeat, it is not my fault that you have done something so horribly retarded that it costs you a huge amount of gil.
It really isn't.
It only takes one person to be retarded.
That would be you.
And yet, we get countless GM calls everyday where people have done something so monumentally retarded that they feel it must be an emergency.
You know there's a ranged attack.
It's labelled "Ranged Attack".
One would assume that anything you have equipped in the ammo slot will be used to attack an enemy at a distance. They are at a range away and you wish to attack them.
That's why you hit the Ranged Attack button.
So now, you've just thrown away your Hedgehog Bomb...
Does that suck? Of course it does.
You just threw away three million gil (give or take) so that you could claim that Goobue that drops maybe five thousand gil worth of items.
Five thousand if you're lucky.
Yes, I would define that as sucking.
Is it a problem? Probably.
There are very few people in the game who could just laugh off a three million dollar loss.
Well... a 2,995,000 gil loss.
Is it worth making a GM call? Hell no.
You pushed a button that might as well have been marked "throw my shit away". And guess what happened?
You threw your shit away.
I have no idea why people insist on making GM calls about this. You did something very stupid and you got hit with a stupid tax.
A stupid tax of three million gil give or take.
But some people just have to bitch and whine, and beg me to fix it.
Or worse yet, tell me to fix it.
This morning, I was doing my usual Jack Daniels/crafting session, when a GM call popped up.
GM Call Description: Threw my Hedgehog Bomb. Help.
Damn, not again.
I feel for the guy, I really do, but this shit is getting old.
Actually... it got old quite some time ago.
Still, it is my job to help these customers. I'd better head right in and do the best I can to make sure all of his needs are bei...
Dammit. I almost got through that without laughing.
[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you do not value money.
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Well...
[GM]Dave>> You just threw away a three million gil item.
[GM]Dave>> That suggests you do not understand money.
Player>> It was an accident.
Player>> I didn't want to throw it.
[GM]Dave>> Okay...
[GM]Dave>> Then why did you click on the "throw" command?
Player>> It was an accident.
Player>> I already said that.
[GM]Dave>> Did you not understand the button?
Player>> I understood the button.
[GM]Dave>> Did you not understand the function of the ammo slot?
Player>> That's not it.
Player>> I didn't mean to throw it.
[GM]Dave>> But you clicked on the Ranged Attack button.
[GM]Dave>> What did you think was going to happen?
[GM]Dave>> You'd yell criticisms from a safe distance?
Player>> Dammit!
Player>> IT
Player>> WAS
Player>> AN
Player>> ACCIDENT!!!
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry. What?
[GM]Dave>> I didn't quite get that.
Player>> Just fix it.
Player>> You shouldn't be able to throw them anyway.
[GM]Dave>> You shouldn't be able to throw...
[GM]Dave>> The thing you put in your ranged ammo slot...
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Do you know the worst part?
[GM]Dave>> If I killed you, I'd be the criminal.
Player>> Just fix it.
Player>> Now.
[GM]Dave>> No problem, sir.
[GM]Dave>> First, though, I'm required to give you a tutorial.
Player>> A tutorial?!
Player>> On what?!
[GM]Dave>> Let's see... Where did I put that manual?
[GM]Dave>> Here it is...
[GM]Dave>> "How not to be a gigantic retard."
Player>> WHAT?!
[GM]Dave>> Whoops. That's the subtitle.
[GM]Dave>> "The Ranged Attack Command and You."
Player>> I don't want to do a tutorial.
[GM]Dave>> Then I can't help you, sir.
That's it. Dangle the treat in front of them.
Dangle, dangle, dangle.
Player>> FINE.
Player>> Let's get this over with.
[GM]Dave>> No problem, sir.
*warp*
Player>> Where are we?!
[GM]Dave>> Mordion Gaol.
[GM]Dave>> Are you ready?
Player>> I guess...
[GM]Dave uses a Ranged Attack.
Player takes 1 point of damage.
Player>> What the hell was that?!
[GM]Dave>> That was a pebble.
Player>> Why are you throwing pebbles?
[GM]Dave>> This is the tutorial.
[GM]Dave>> It teaches proper respect for the Ranged Attack button...
[GM]Dave>> By having you stoned to death using pebbles.
[GM]Dave uses a Ranged Attack.
Player takes 1 point of damage.
[GM]Dave>> This is going to take a while.
[GM]Dave>> I hope you don't have plans.
Player>> Stop that!
Player>> STOP THAT!
[GM]Dave>> Don't worry.
[GM]Dave>> This'll only take a week or two.
That's when he logged out. He no doubt went to serious re-evaluate his life goals.
Or to cry on his Inuyasha dolls.
As long as he learned his lesson.
Quote:
Let me tell you about one guy today. He was actually a pretty good guy. I had partied with him before and he seemed to be a fairly intelligent guy.
And yet, there he was on the list. Apparently, in between bouts of intelligence, he likes to use FleeTool.
I would have been shocked if I still had any faith in humanity.
He was still playing when the list of bannings came down. Rather than simply banning his account, I unfortunately had to speak with him face to face on the matter.
Who am I kidding? I love doing that.
To start things off on the right note, I warped him directly to Mordion Gaol.
[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I've got some good news and some bad news.
Player>> What's the bad news?
[GM]Dave>> You're getting banned.
Player>> WHAT?!
Player>> HELL NO!
Player>> What's the good news?
[GM]Dave>> Did I say good news?
[GM]Dave>> I meant bad news.
[GM]Dave>> I've got some bad news and some bad news.
Player>> You can't ban me.
Player>> You can't!
[GM]Dave>> Listen... I don't like it any more than you do.
[GM]Dave>> Wait... That's not true.
[GM]Dave>> It doesn't really bother me either way.
[GM]Dave>> I don't care about it any more than you do.
Player>> But I didn't do anything wrong!
[GM]Dave>> I beg to differ.
[GM]Dave>> You were caught using FleeTool to move faster.
Player>> But that doesn't count!
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Oh, this is going to be good.
[GM]Dave>> How does that not count?
Player>> I didn't use it to cheat.
Player>> I was just running from place to place.
[GM]Dave>> Can you define the word ' cheat' for me?
Player>> That means breaking the rules.
[GM]Dave>> Uh huh.
[GM]Dave>> Is there a rule about using other programs like FleeTool?
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> What does it say?
Player>> That they're not allowed.
[GM]Dave>> So, it's a rule that they're not allowed.
Player>> Yeah.
Player>> I suppose so.
[GM]Dave>> Did you use FleeTool?
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> How are you not putting this together in your head?
[GM]Dave>> Were you dropped as a child?
Player>> But that's not cheating!
Player>> I didn't cheat!
[GM]Dave>> You broke a rule.
[GM]Dave>> That's the definition of cheating.
Player>> It's different.
Player>> I didn't use it to do anything bad.
[GM]Dave>> Well, there was your first mistake.
[GM]Dave>> You're getting banned anyway.
[GM]Dave>> You should at least have had some fun doing it.
Player>> I'm not a cheater.
[GM]Dave>> My friend, Mr. Dictionary, disagrees with you.
[GM]Dave>> Hold on... Wait...
[GM]Dave>> He also says you're retarded.
Player>> This is ridiculous!
Player>> Can't you just punish me or something?
[GM]Dave>> I think the banning does that nicely.
Player>> No. Some other punishment.
[GM]Dave>> Oh...
[GM]Dave>> I suppose we could do that.
*warp*
I warped him to Lower Jeuno in front of the auction house.
What is this? Is [GM]Dave getting soft?
You should know better than that.
Player>> Okay, what's my punishment?
[GM]Dave>> Already taken care of.
Player>> Really?!
Player>> What was it?
[GM]Dave>> You'll see.
[GM]Dave>> Go ahead. You can go.
He was no doubt laughing to himself as he ran away.
Well... Walked away.
Actually... He was barely moving.
Player>> What's going on?!
[GM]Dave>> I thought the punishment should fit the crime.
[GM]Dave>> So I lowered your movement speed.
Player>> Lowered it how much?
[GM]Dave>> You probably don't want to know.
[GM]Dave>> By the way, you should probably hurry.
[GM]Dave>> At this rate you'll make it to the moghouses in about a week.
Player>> This'll make it impossible to play.
[GM]Dave>> Oh... About that...
[GM]Dave>> I've got some good news and some bad news...
Guys, no matter what you think, no matter how you slice it, it all comes out the same.
It's wrong.
I'm sure you're all good people. I'm sure you're all special flowers in the garden of life.
That doesn't really mean anything to me.
We just banned 3,300 special flowers. One more isn't going to kill us.
De quotes:
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: Royal Club
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: grandpa
iedereen haat me 
ligt niet aan ons
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: Leen
vrezen nog wel?
vrees jij een strontvlieg? nee, maar toch sla je em dood.
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: Leen
[...]
stoere praat voor een 14 jarige snotneus.
pas als je je eerste zaadlozing heb gehad mag je weer terug komen.
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: Rob-Peters
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: brommernerd
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: Rob-Peters
hee, ga jij eens lekker me je v-snaar spelen, kut nerd
ik zal die v-snaar is om je keel binden mafkees
zal ik eens een ketting voor je kop slaan?
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: mcdronkz
[...]
Je slaat de plank compleet mis.
Ik val niet graag in de herhaling, maar bij deze:
Er was eens een vies gehandicapt zwijn dat in het wees-bejaardenhuis zat. Ze was meerdere malen verkracht door haar ouders, vandaar dat ze een wees is geworden.
En er was een vieze hond die onder de wormen zat en zo lelijk was als de nacht.
Op een dag gingen ze vieze dingetjes doen, en toen kwam er een tweeling ter wereld.
Ze heten: brommernerd en scooterfreak_aerox.
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: mcdronkz
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: brommernerd
mcdronks aka willem-aardappel, jij bent echt eem fucking nerd
Ja, en die nerd had je vader kunnen zijn. Maar je hond was me voor.
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: ArieNSR
[...]
ik ben liever teringnerd dan scootereigenaar
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: mcdronkz
Je tekst gaat nergens over, ik kan er geen touw aan vast knopen,
Je klinkt als een Brabandse illegaal die teveel heeft gezopen,
Ik snap niet wat je loopt te bitchen over lelijk en vol gaten,
Ik weet wel dat het lastig is om personen als jou in hun waarde te laten.
Laat me even denken hoe ze jou over 20 jaar gaan vinden,
Nadat ze je met zoutzuur overgooien en aan een boom vastbinden,
Ik krijg dan wel een kist, maar jij alleen wat vuilniszakken,
Die ik in de vuilniswagen pleur waarna 'ie begint met prakken.
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: T-shirt
men moeder gelooft je verhaal niet
Quote:
ik had gister met mijn vader over dat als het heel mistig is je dan je neon aan mag zetten als hulp licht zeg maar:p ik vind dat da wel mag :p
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: mcdronkz
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: Deon
Move on bitches
Kijk die term kun je intepreteren zoals je zelf wilt. Move staat voor beweging, maar het kan natuurlijk ook een tiepfout zijn zodat je mowe bedoeld, of zelfs mow. Want dan moeten je "bitches" gaan grasmaaien weet je. En grasmaaien laat je normaal gesproken aan iemand over die er verstand van heeft, een hovenier ofzo. Het kan natuurlijk zijn dat die hovenier bitches in dienst heeft, maar die zouden het werk dan ook weer over moeten dragen aan mensen die er verstand van hebben. Zo kom je dus in een vicieuze cirkel terecht weet je. Een neerwaartse spiraal waarin het ene tot het andere leidt. Een voorbeeld daarvan is de totale oorlog. Niet slechts de legers, maar de gehele maatschappij vecht mee. Dit maakt ook burgerdoelwitten een legitiem doelwit. Je kunt het natuurlijk ook een doelzwart noemen. Eigenlijk kun je de variabele doel alle kleuren geven die je maar wilt. Tot en met hex en RGB style aan toe. Dus een beter woord voor "doelwit" lijkt me dan doel#FFFFFF weet je. Want doel#FFFFFFF betekend feitelijk hetzelfde als doelwit. Alleen spreekt dit wel wat ongemakkelijker uit. Maar je definieert in ieder geval de correcte tint wit. Want stel dat je iets afwijkt van de kleur wit klopt het geheel allemaal niet meer en ontstaat er verwarring. Eskimo's kunnen bijvoorbeeld 7 tinten wit onderscheiden, dan moet je natuurlijk wel duidelijk zijn over welk doelwit je het hebt.
Knoop dat maar even in je oren.
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: Kampersjaak
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: mcdronkz
[...]
Tijd en ruimte vriend.
Realiteit die ik beschrijf ik wat je uit je droom helpt. En wat we niet mogen vergeten is dat energie die we nemen dezelfde is die we geven.
anders doe je even niet alsof je de godfather bent van bf
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: koekie
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: Royal Club
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: koekie
vertel is wat leuks.. ik had net sportdag op sgool.. NIET leuk dus.. 
werd om 14:03 wakker
sterf..
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: mcdronkz
je bent een hoereeenloopppeerrrr
kijk naar me hondjes achter de raam
je bent een hoereloper
je durft eigenlijk niet omdatj e je schaam
je bent een hoereloper
je kijkt naar die geile lichaam
je bent een hoereloper
zonder mijn hondjes ben je eenzaaaaammm
Quote:
By: JD-san,Apr 10 2006, 06:25 PM
Quote:
By: wingzero,Apr 10 2006, 06:21 PM
I just want to say hello to everyone since i am new to this site/forum. i hope that i am not stopping you at what you are doing. if i am, sorry very much!!!
lol...hmm. No its a forum silly. We're actually taking time to read your crap :P
Welcome ^_^
Quote:
Quote:
Obey the Admins and the Mods or you'll die...in more than one way.
Quote:
The Jolly Green Giant will smash your house if you break any rules.
vreemde jongens die otaku's :P
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: gsmgast
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: koekie
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: Deon
Het enige positieve aan je is je HIV test.
wat kom jij blaaten?
idd sterf in een hoekje van een ronde kamer 
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: honda_freak
[...]
...
Dat jij me een wannabe mod vind moet jij weten, geef me op als mod ofzo als je dat vind.. Zo erg modachtig is t niet.. dan had deze discussie nl al lang afgelopen geweest.
Enneh.. jij bent wel heel happig om mij is een keer te ontmoeten.. als je is in rotterdam gaat moet je me maar mailen.. enneh.. vergeet al je vriendjes niet mee te nemen.. ik kom wel in mn eentje dan.. zijn we allebei met evenveel.....
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: honda_freak
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: Flybike
[...]
Prrrtt Wannabee Mod
Kusje
zeg vliegende driewieler.. ga je moeder pesten ofzo?
ohw en kusje geweigerd..
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: honda_freak
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: Flybike
[zeg vliegende drietweewieler.. ga je moeder pesten ofzo?
ohw en kusje geweigerd..]
Correctie
ja.. heb jij ff pech, blauwtje gelopen.. maar dat ben je vast wel gewend.. hoe dan ook.. ga weg uit mn profiel.. en neem je posts met je mee..
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: Frutje
een cilinder maakt toch niks uit hoeveel olie erbij moet ? 
in het profiel van die kneus dirk_neijwiert:
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: Lord_Vader
[img]http://img513.imageshack.us/img513/481/antimbxvelgenopmt6uy.png]afbeelding[/img]
Wat loop je te bitchen dan je hebt zelf mbx velgen onder je mt
[img]http://img440.imageshack.us/img440/1669/mt81ka.png]afbeelding[/img]
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: Frysk
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: Marry
valt een radio/mp3speler/cdspeler niet onder onnodig geluid? of mag het gewoon?
boeie
als dat zo is mag je vriendin ook niet achterop..
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: mcdronkz
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: Gary
Heb je nou zelf niet door dat je vol met bullcrap zit?
Dit forum is niet bedoeld om hardop tegen jezelf te praten.
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: Gideon
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: zundappchef
kutjanes waarom heb je zoon grote sstuning sticker en moet ik het met paar kleine stickers doen
Omdat jij dik bent. 
die kosten geld, de grotere stickers.
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: mcdronkz
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: .puch_chopper
hoe snel en hoeveel trekkracht heb ik moet deze setup:
70cc zeta
50cc kop
20mm dellorto spaco (sproeier 96)
4 kleps adige membraam
techno bovenlangs met prop eruit
schuim filter van mallosie
twv 12/45
en met 12/36?
Mach 2,3
5k NM.
Dat is trouwens 782.66700 m / s, om het even compleet te houden.
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Oorspronkelijk gepost door: OmafietS
hoi, ik ben Barry, ben 18 jaar en heb een zwaar psychisch probleem. Ik zet overal replys neer met bepaalde teksten waar dat niet mag.
Ik zal proberen mij voortaan in te houden, anders word ik gebanned
Dit bericht is gewijzigd door KaWaReZ [Rezek] op 15-3-2006 om 21:46 uur.
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Oorspronkelijk gepost door: me myself and I
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Oorspronkelijk gepost door: stefvosje
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Oorspronkelijk gepost door: Royal Club
[...]
vrouwen lopen tog 2jaar VOOR op mannen? (copyright at rs50 girl )
als zij daadwerkelijk copyright heeft op die uitspraak mag je die dus niet publiceren zonder toestemming en bega je nu een strafbaar feit.
jeuj....  en jij begaat nu een strafbaar feit voor het lastig vallen van nederlandse burgers.
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Oorspronkelijk gepost door: Royal Club
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Oorspronkelijk gepost door: stefvosje
wat bedoel je daarmee?
volgensmij hebben we het 1e levende wezen met een negatief iq ontdekt
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Waarvan zijn hersenen eigenlijk gemaakt, van kraakbeen toch??
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en gebruik de crack zoals t hoort
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Oorspronkelijk gepost door: Suzuki-SLK Rijder
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Oorspronkelijk gepost door: stefvosje
woon je toevallig in Equatorial Guinea? daar is het gemiddelde IQ namelijk 59.
theoretisch weet jij wel veel... nu de praktijk nog
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Oorspronkelijk gepost door: Deon
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Oorspronkelijk gepost door: Vivacityowned
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Oorspronkelijk gepost door: Deon
HOi welkom, ik ken je niet denks
gelukkig ook nog aardige mensen hier!
Beter spreek je me aan met mr.
weet je wel wie ik ben
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Oorspronkelijk gepost door: Blijhoofd
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Oorspronkelijk gepost door: boy.schouten
vuurwerk geweldig , alleen niet als je vanmorgen uit je nest wordt geknalt met een 200 klapper ofzo met nog wat babypijltjes echt schijt irritant ( kleine kinderen )
haha gooide gister ook zon kut kind een rotje tegeh me raam aan ff nitraat terug gegooit
over mb
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Oorspronkelijk gepost door: tsxj oran
[...]
heb je je contactpunten daarna wel weer goed afgesteld, en weet je zeker dat ze 100% schoon zijn
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Oorspronkelijk gepost door: Bassie_nr1
Moi
Ik zit met een probleem:S IK moet een mtx-sh spruitstuk hebben, maare, die heb ik niet meer, heb wel een mt spruitstuk, maare, kan er dan alleen geen luchtfilterslang meer op?? Als dat alles is, dan doe ik een stuk panty offe iets anders om de kelk heen.
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<mage> what should I give sister for unzipping?
<Kevyn> Um. Ten bucks?
<mage> no I mean like, WinZip?
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Oorspronkelijk gepost door: jeroen55
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Oorspronkelijk gepost door: jeroen55
mijn remblok van mijn mtx r2 is versleten. hoeveel kost een nieuwe????????????? ongeveer
en 2e hands??????????????????????????/
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Het Ferrari team geeft werkeloze Marokkanen een nieuwe kans.
Het Ferrari team heeft de gehele Pit-Crew ontslagen en heeft een groep werkeloze Marokkaanse jongeren aangenomen uit Amsterdam.
Deze beslissing nam het team na het zien van een documentaire van werkeloze Marokkaanse jongeren in Amsterdam die binnen 4 seconden de wielen van een auto konden halen zonder het juiste gereedschap.
Ferrari dacht dat dit een tactische zet was, aangezien de meeste races gewonnen en verloren worden in de pits.
Hoewel Ferrari toch een probleem ontdekte: De jongeren verwisselde niet alleen de wielen in minder dan 4 seconden, maar in minder dan 40 seconden hadden ze de auto opnieuw gespoten, opnieuw genummerd en verkocht aan het McLaren team.......
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Oorspronkelijk gepost door: mcdronkz
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Oorspronkelijk gepost door: WiZZ [wesley]
jah ach kom wel goed hoor mike ik verwacht wel 100? op me rekening he
Ik stel voor dat je fatsoenlijk werk gaat zoeken
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Oorspronkelijk gepost door: ArieNSR
de geschiedenis van de scooter:
er was eens een oude man die nooit zijn schijt kon ophouden en vroeg aan zijn zoon of hij een gemotoriseerde pleepot kon bouwen. deze jongen bouwde dus een ding waar de ouwe kerel onderweg op kon schijten en gaf het ding een toepasselijke naam: de schijter. en jullie noemen dit ding dus een ScOoTaHhH, en iedereen rijdt erop
Quote:
Oorspronkelijk gepost door: Deon
wat ben je toch ook een kankernerd willem-aart. Iedereen weet toch dat kevers gemaakt zijn om vernietigd te worden en dus zonder enige broodnodige standaard uitrusting worden geleverd.
Zoals Hitler al zei: 'Kraft durch Freude'. Die man kraamde alleen maar onzin uit, daarom is het ook zo'n geweldige dictator geworden. Het kan misschien wel je voorbeeld zijn, maar hij bracht sterkte noch plezier, dus die hele auto is te vergelijken met een nageboorte van een abortus.
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Oorspronkelijk gepost door: concept
hello, ik heb een peugeot vogue brommer, mijn uitlaat is aan het doorroesten, die zit direct verbonden aan de cilinder, en kdenk nie da et mogelijk is om een nieuwe op te zetten.
Zou et kwaad kunnen voor mijn motor als die uitlaat ooit zou afvallen of weggehaald wordt?
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Oorspronkelijk gepost door: voederbiet2
[...]
et ken friese, et ken dooie, et liefst hedde we dooie frieze
Profielen waar ik mijn welkom 1ste spam heb neergeplant:
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weet jij nog een profiel waar ik mijn welkom 1ste spam gedumpt heb zeg het dan
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